Unread & (Previously) Unpublished Poem Friday - #1

I wrote this in May of 2004...

Thoughts From The Past


Thoughts from the past interwoven
Through every template that’s been chosen
In a mind where inhibition
Halts at the last transition
Reactions to perceptions evolving
Reality? Or another spin revolving

Through feelings of understanding
Burning passion demanding
Words spoken become maddening
Franticly defining and saddening

Behavior chosen with little thought
Used emotions can be bought
Memories faded
Their meaning jaded

At times submerged so deep
Recollections hard to keep
By the time you become acclimated
Acting like you should be congratulated
It’s too late before it’s too soon
To get that hindsight in tune

I am a warrior fighting the inner fight
Caught in a war, no end in sight
Struggling with the enemy
The one that lives within
Hoping for autonomy
Knowing I can never win

The words cut deep as they pierce my skin
The thoughts pounding again and again
Emotional poison churning
Like butter anxiety turning
Nerves into pancake batter
Hit the grill, choke and splatter

Do I take solitude as a choice?
Or scream when I can’t hear my voice?
Do I soften the blows mentally?
Or burn off the rage physically?
Do I cushion myself from all that is wrong?
Or do I work harder until I am strong?

I hear the truth, but bend it
I have a good start, but end it
I make a mistake, but defend it
I take a positive moment, and send it

Back from where it came
Lost in the translucent plane
Of conscious disdain
Where it will remain

No matter how hard I try
Or want to deny
I see an image of me
Holding the key
That opens the door
Leading back once more
From where I just emerged
As two lives converge

Making me think
I haven’t changed at all
That I should just slink
Through the door and down the hall

I want to throw something at that image
Breaking that key-holding appendage
Making her presence evaporate
So that my will can resonate

But there she is day after day
Daunting my desire to stay
Hoping for failure again
So she can let me back in

Sometimes her tact is unacceptable
Knowing I’m susceptible
To frivolous temptation
Full of angst and aggravation
How hard to push she knows
And when to deliver crushing blows
Knowledge of when my mind is weak
And what will make my outlook bleak
Reveling in how consumed I’ll be
When I give in to her subtlety

Her tricks are petty that’s for sure
But she is me and I am her
She shows me the inflated reflection
That leads me to deflated dejection

Some days I smile and resist
Raise my hand up in a fist
While other days I concede
She’s the only one I’ll ever need

Even though I know it’s a ploy
Her purpose to destroy
Instill self-doubt, envy and pity
How hopeless in its simplicity
To possess the desire of attainment
When it is held out of reach, in containment