Friday, March 31, 2006


Unread & (Previously) Unpublished Poem Friday - #1

I wrote this in May of 2004...

Thoughts From The Past

Thoughts from the past interwoven
Through every template that’s been chosen
In a mind where inhibition
Halts at the last transition
Reactions to perceptions evolving
Reality? Or another spin revolving

Through feelings of understanding
Burning passion demanding
Words spoken become maddening
Franticly defining and saddening

Behavior chosen with little thought
Used emotions can be bought
Memories faded
Their meaning jaded

At times submerged so deep
Recollections hard to keep
By the time you become acclimated
Acting like you should be congratulated
It’s too late before it’s too soon
To get that hindsight in tune

I am a warrior fighting the inner fight
Caught in a war, no end in sight
Struggling with the enemy
The one that lives within
Hoping for autonomy
Knowing I can never win

The words cut deep as they pierce my skin
The thoughts pounding again and again
Emotional poison churning
Like butter anxiety turning
Nerves into pancake batter
Hit the grill, choke and splatter

Do I take solitude as a choice?
Or scream when I can’t hear my voice?
Do I soften the blows mentally?
Or burn off the rage physically?
Do I cushion myself from all that is wrong?
Or do I work harder until I am strong?

I hear the truth, but bend it
I have a good start, but end it
I make a mistake, but defend it
I take a positive moment, and send it

Back from where it came
Lost in the translucent plane
Of conscious disdain
Where it will remain

No matter how hard I try
Or want to deny
I see an image of me
Holding the key
That opens the door
Leading back once more
From where I just emerged
As two lives converge

Making me think
I haven’t changed at all
That I should just slink
Through the door and down the hall

I want to throw something at that image
Breaking that key-holding appendage
Making her presence evaporate
So that my will can resonate

But there she is day after day
Daunting my desire to stay
Hoping for failure again
So she can let me back in

Sometimes her tact is unacceptable
Knowing I’m susceptible
To frivolous temptation
Full of angst and aggravation
How hard to push she knows
And when to deliver crushing blows
Knowledge of when my mind is weak
And what will make my outlook bleak
Reveling in how consumed I’ll be
When I give in to her subtlety

Her tricks are petty that’s for sure
But she is me and I am her
She shows me the inflated reflection
That leads me to deflated dejection

Some days I smile and resist
Raise my hand up in a fist
While other days I concede
She’s the only one I’ll ever need

Even though I know it’s a ploy
Her purpose to destroy
Instill self-doubt, envy and pity
How hopeless in its simplicity
To possess the desire of attainment
When it is held out of reach, in containment

Thursday, March 30, 2006

(more) Aquarium Photos

Pissing people off today

I just pissed someone off so bad they spit on the door to our office suite. Sick bastard. The sign downstairs says "NO Soliciting." It isn't a fucking polite request. It's a statement that says if your selling shit don't do it here. Yeah I was a complete fucking bitch to the guy, because, well I don't want to buy any stupid "art," and no one else here working today wants to buy any "art" nor do they want some asshole walking around asking them if the want to buy any "art." So, the guy walks in, I peg him right away (yeah, he's carrying his precious framed art prints, and he's not wearing a FEDEX or UPS uniform) and I cut him off before he can say anything by telling him "there is no soliciting here, you'll have to leave." Then I follow him out because always these guys go down the hallway and try and get in the other doors which lead into the back of our suite. I tell him "all those doors are for this office." He looked a bit flushed but I didn't give him time to respond before I closed the door on him. Not 30 seconds later two of my engineer co-workers walk in from lunch and notice there is spit on the front door! How fucking twisted is that?

I pissed someone off on the freeway this morning too. The guy was entering the freeway and instead of merging in right away as to not stop the flow of traffic he decides he wants to drive all the way until there is no road left and cut in front of someone there, thus causing everyone in my lane to brake on the fly for him. I knew what he was going to do because I just saw two other cars do it and when I saw him and his bad-ass truck coming also, I sort of swerved a bit to my right like I was going to cut in front of him. He got mad and slowed down and honked at me. I felt a little stupid, but at least he got the message and merged correctly. Hopefully the car behind me got a kick out of it! Entitlement drivers are the worse. They own the road, they are the only ones in a hurry and the rest of us just have to deal with it.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The story of Nico

This is Nico as a pup. He is a Jack Russell Terrier / Chihuahua mix. We adopted him from my nephew who had found him abandoned in an alley. My nephew originally named him "Pecas"which in Spanish means "freckles." If you look closely at his nose you can see why. My nephew was looking for a good home for Pecas because his mother already had 3 dogs at their home and told him he could only keep the little pup until he found him a home.

As it happens we were over at their house at a family gathering when he brought Pecas out to
show everyone. I held him for only two seconds before I started thinking about how I was going to get this little guy home. Of course my kids fell in love at first sight as well, so what could I do? The only obstacle was convincing hubby. It's not that hubby dislikes dogs, it's that he is very (okay ultra) sensitive to fleas. I have seen it first hand. When we were waiting for our house to be ready to move into, we stayed temporarily at a rented condominium that, unbeknownst to us, had a flea problem. While we all suffered an occasional bite here and there (before we had the place bombed) hubby had the worst of it. They are just attracted to him. They would jump all over him and pretty much ignore the rest of us. Anyway, this is the biggest reason we never had a dog. I had been working on him for the past 2 years since we bought our house and since the kids had grown up a bit and he was already primed for just this occasion. So, I made the call. It didn't go over as well as I would have liked, but in the end he relented and gave his blessing. We brought him home that night. He got his new name, Nico, from the kids' favorite hockey player at the time Niko Dimitrakos. I didn't know that "Nico" was supposed to be spelled "Niko" so his name tag reads "Nico." We ended up meeting Nico's namesake (the real) Niko (Dimitrakos) at a Sharks' game back in December and Woody told him we named our dog after him and showed him a picture from my digital camera. Big Niko, said that little Nico was "cool."

Nico had a rough first summer with us. Nothing but drama. First, he broke his leg. If that wasn't bad enough, the vet gave him a pink cast! No dignity for this dog. He broke the leg when he jumped off the couch (where I had been drying him off after a bath) onto the slippery tile floor and obviously landed wrong. He spent most of the summer wearing the cast of shame. He chewed it off about 3 weeks before he was supposed to get it taken off. I took him back to the vet and they put on a blue cast, however he chewed that of two days later. The blue cast cost me an extra $75, so I did not go back for a third cast. I figured (as did he) he didn't need it anymore. Anyway, shortly after that he overdosed on Motrin. He took a bottle of Motrin out of my purse and ended up swallowing 19 motrin tablets. He was sick as, well, a dog and threw up all night long. He was pretty out of it for two days and then finally started coming back to his old self. The scary thing is that given the opportunity, I'm not sure he wouldn't do it again. We've had him for a year this month and he is a big part of the family.

#91 bought him this jacket back in December, he often wonders if it makes him look fat? What do you think? At least its not pink, right?

These days he pretty much "protects" the house when we are all out. He does his nightly rounds (7-10 times per night) around the back yard chasing off anything that shouldn't be there, uh, or the airplanes, sometimes both. Lately hubby has been spoiling him by taking him outside late at night when he gets home. Now he expects it and does a little dance and happy snort everytime hubby comes home until hubby gives in and takes him out for a short (one block and back) walk. They have both come a long way. Nico used to be scared of hubby and not come near him, now its like they are best friends.

Monday, March 27, 2006

The light and dark side of a beautiful day

We finally got a break and had an absolutely gorgeous Sunday. It is expected to rain today, tomorrow and Wednesday so I'll just have to live vicariously through memories of Sunday. I took the kids for a long walk with the dog. I got them just before they settled into a lazy morning of tv and video games. I figured the earlier I got them the less resistance there would be. I was right, of course. There was reasonable resistance and even an argument over who got to ride the "new" scooter, but even that wasn't going to stop me. We went up all the way next to the high school where there is a little (man-made) lake next to the housing development. It is so pretty up there, you can see the whole city. They had a good time. When we got home I made them lunch and then bathed the dog. Woody had a soccer scrimmage at 3:30 and the weather held even through that. Unfortunately the Saturday scrimmage had to be cancelled because of a light rain that closed the fields. Their season starts next Saturday... I hope they are ready. It was so nice just sitting there and being comfortable. 90% of the time I am either too cold or too hot, but yesterday was perfect. The boys look good. Most of the teams we are playing are playing at the top level they can play, but our boys are maybe around 70% with noticeable improvement every week. The new trainer has really made a difference and I can't wait to see them mid-season, I think some teams are going to be surprised. Anyway, the season ahead always looks bright right before it starts, so lets just hope it turns out to be great for them!!

On another note. RK got served with divorce papers when he got home after the scrimmage. Doesn't that suck? He called J, and J went over there to his house. She took the kids out of town so she wouldn't be there when he got served. I feel bad for him. He really doesn't deserve all the drama and all the shit that she puts him through. In the end, I think, he will be better off, but unfortunately there will be a lot of unpleasantness and crap he'll have to muck through first. We (J and I) saw this coming, he is so unhappy ( in his married & home life), but that must have been so painful to be there all alone and with one ring of the doorbell have your whole life turn upside down. I can't even imagine or even find the right words. Bitch comes to mind, but even that seems a bit tame. Sigh. When J came home and told me what was going down, he was definitely appreciating me. I know I was appreciating him. I bitch and moan sometimes about stupid things (in our marriage), but I will never leave him. Never. There is to much good and too much respect (not to mention love) between the two of us. If we were ever going to grow apart or want different things, it would have happend before now. Things are not perfect. I could do so many things to make it better. He has seen me at my worst, I've seen him at his. Bottom line is that he loves me and makes a point to tell me everyday. Maybe it doesn't seem like a lot, but it is more than a lot of people have and I would be pretty messed up not to cherish it.

Friday, March 24, 2006

A Day In The Life

A day in the life…

4:40 am – hubby rolls out of bed
4:55 am- hubby gets in the shower
5:20 am – hubby kisses me goodbye, leaves for work
5:22 am – Buzz climbs in bed, puts his little arm around me.
5:22:10 am- Nico jumps on bed, falls asleep next to my feet
6:00 am – alarm 1 goes off (just in case this one time I might actually get up and workout, umm, still waiting for that)
6:00:10 am – I hit SNOOZE
6:09 am – alarm goes back on, I turn it OFF
7:00 am – alarm 2 goes off, I push SNOOZE
7:09 am – alarm goes off, begrudgingly get up.
7:10 am – brush teeth
7:12 am – put on robe, sandals and go out to kitchen
7:13 am – turn on coffee, let dog out
7:15 am – rinse remaining dishes, put in dishwasher, put soap in dishwasher
7:20 am – feed dog, pour first cup of coffee, aaah, morning is getting better already.
7:21 am – dog ignores food, goes back to bed with Woody.
7:22 am – get in shower
7:32 am - get out of shower,
7:33 am – wake up Woody & Nico (who acts like he hasn’t already been up and been outside to do his business), Buzz is already up and eating breakfast at the table.
7:34 am – shout out daily announcements, time warnings and final offer to use my bathroom before I close my door to get dressed
7:35 am- #91 gets in the bathroom & locks the door.
7:36 am- make the bed
7:38 am – put on make up
7:45 am – Woody knocks on door, had ignored previous offer to use my bathroom, now has to go and can’t use his because #91 is showering.
7:55 am – still need to blow-dry and curl hair, yell for Buzz to come and brush his teeth.
8:04 am – Buzz comes to brush teeth, but hasn’t put his shoes or sweatshirt yet.
8:07 am – Buzz comes to brush his teeth. We have argument over doing his hair (he insists on wearing a beanie, I say no. I win)
8:10 am – final scramble to get out of house, poor last cup of coffee, close all bedroom doors (to prevent doggie damage) and turn off coffee pot.
8:15 am – drop kids at school just as bell rings.
8:18 am – wait for red light to make a right turn because asshole people park in the turning lane and I can’t squeeze around other cars waiting to turn left.
8:34 am – finally make it to the freeway. Realize I forgot to turn on the dishwasher, Damn!
8:54 am – pull into parking lot
8:57 am – make it into office, turn on lights, heater and computer. Check voice mail and open e-mail
9:00 am – make oatmeal and tea.
9:03 am – eat oatmeal, read e-mail.
9:30 am –make to-do list
9:45 am – work
10:57 am – call from hubby
11:03 am – bathroom break
11:05 am – look at blogs, pretend to work
11:20 am – have snack
11:25 am – work
12:24 pm – boss walks by to get lunch from kitchen
12:25 pm – look at clock – yay it’s almost 1:00!
1:00 – yay, time to have lunch!
1:01 – go pee first
1:04 – read cooking instructions on frozen lunch entrée. Cook time 13 minutes! FUCK!
1:17 – microwave goes off.
1:18 – Damn, its hot! Get Diet Coke and 13 minute entrée, (which I’ll never buy again) bring to office.
1:20 – Read more blogs, write an entry in mine, blow on 13 minute entrée which is still hot, sip Diet Coke
2:00 – work
2:14 – answer call from someone asking to speak with a software manager. Google name of company caller says he’s from, find out he is a recruiter. Get back on phone, tell caller no one is available and offer to take a message. Caller says “no” and that he’ll call back. Hang up and say “can’t wait” under my breath.
2:17 – bathroom break
3:00 – Huh? I have no idea what happened during this time… it … is… all … kind of … a… blur. But, only 2 (okay 1 hour 40 minutes) until I can go home! Yay!!
3:05 – Hubby calls. He will be bringing the kids by around 4:30. It is time for my snack, but I decide to wait until I am a little bit hungrier… Huh? Who are you and what have you done with my real self?
3:10 – Check out Drudge, Michelle Malkin & Lucianne (pretend to work when co-workers walk by)
3:15 – chat with Super Engineer Gal (I think we had a conversation once where she told me she hates the word “gal” – but that is what she is and she’s the only “gal engineer” at our company, so hopefully she never reads this blog and finds out I called her one) who updates me on her sister’s adoption story.
3:23 – check hubby’s e-mail to see if there is any “soccer team drama” going on today.
4:25 – again, last hour a blur… waiting for hubby or Buzz to call and tell me that they are close by
4:26 – get call from Buzz, he’s trying to break his speed calling record again so I don’t get to say anything… i.e. I answer “hello” He says “mommy-we’re-around-the-corner-can-you-meet-us-downstairs-bye-love-you-bye.” Click. I think his current record is 16 seconds, which includes the time it takes me to answer.
4:31 – The kids are in my office, they want to see the Sharks replays (online) from last night’s (non-televised) game. I update them on all the standings and playoff race.
4:50 – we head home
5:23 – we get home
5:25 – I let the dog out
5:36 – I start dinner and attempt to get all homework on the table so it can be finished and corrected by yours truly.
5:46 – I feed the dog
6:07 – The table follies have reached their peek, It isn’t funny anymore, they need to settle down and finish their homework. It is so much easier saying it and writing it then it is to actually get it done. The problem is that they are so damn hilarious that I keep laughing which makes it okay for them to keep messing around. AAAAHHHH!
6:20 – I separate laundry in the garage and start load #1
6:38 – we eat dinner.
6:43 - #91 comes home
6:48 – #91 asks for a light bulb (we are still eating dinner). I tell him I’ll give him one if he changes the one outside the front door. He asks if he can do it tomorrow, I say yes and he can have a light bulb tomorrow too (yeah, this sounds pretty bitchy, but I have been speaking #91’s language for 14 years and when he says he’ll do something tomorrow it means he will never do it even if you remind him 200 times). He asks for a flashlight, I tell him it is in my car. He isn’t registering what I’m telling him and ends up asking 6 more times for the flashlight while he roams around the house looking for it.
6:51 – It registers with him that the flashlight is in my car. He asks for the keys. The kids think our “bantering” is entertaining and treat it like dinner theatre, only they are too busy laughing and forget about the eating part.
6:55 - #91 gets the light post thingy open and comes in triumphantly shaking the metal tubing thing that secures the bottom. A dead moth gets flung in Buzz’s dinner. This only adds to the hysterics.
6:59 - #91 successfully changed the outside light bulb and begins playing “catch the light” with the dog and the flashlight. More dinner theatre, more hysterics, more “not” eating.
7:12 - Woody finishes dinner first ( I was done at 6:45). I tell him to go get in the shower. He reminds me that it is Buzz’s turn to take first shower. Curses!! I tell him to finish his homework, he says he did and that he is waiting for me to correct it.
7:20 – I finish correcting Woody’s homework, get him started on the corrections. Buzz barely finishes his dinner.
7:22 – I tell Buzz to go get in the shower. He disappears.
7:30 – Woody finishes correcting his homework. I yell to Buzz to get in the shower. He comes out and says he can’t because #91 is in the bathroom. Curses!!
7:35 – I take the clothes out of the washer, put into the dryer and start load #2. Buzz and Woody play Lacrosse in the garage until #91 gets out of the bathroom.
7:45 – I do the dinner dishes and sit down to read a book.
7:52 – I hear screaming from the garage, realize neither kid has taken a shower.
8:03 – Buzz (finally) gets in the shower, where he sings “We will Rock you,” and does Sharks hockey play by play announcing. “SHAAAAARKS on the Power Play, neh-neh, neh-neh…(musical score from Jaws). It is hilarious. One of these days I’m going to have to record it for when he is older.
8:20 – Buzz gets out of shower.
8:40 – Woody gets in shower.
9:06 – It is 6 minutes past bed-time. I attempt to get kids rounded up, teeth brushed, clothes picked up, towels hung up, shoes put away so they can get to bed. It takes several attempts. I fear their childhood memories will be clouded with all these “nagging mommy” moments that we seem to share every night. Sigh.
9:23 – final hugs, kisses, “I love you’s” and “good night’s” are exchanged. I am exhausted.
9:25 – I brush my teeth and wash my face.
9:30 – I put on some pajamas and crawl into bed with my book.
10:06 – My eyes won’t stay open, I turn out the light and go to sleep.
11:15- Hubby comes home, starts talking to me.
11:19 – I am conscious to the fact that he is talking to me and try to illicit some kind of response. I think it was something like “hrmph lenn …” but I’m not really sure.
11:23 – Hubby, still trying to talk to me, comes closer and sits down next to me on the bed. He says “Do you want to have another baby?” I’m wide awake now (WTF?) and thinking of a million responses to that question, but realize that 999,999 of them are insults or contain bad words so I sort of raise my eye brow and say “nooo?” in a question like manner. He says, “well, what if I do?” I just really don’t know what to say to him at this point. We’ve had this conversation over the years since Buzz was born and I thought we pretty much agreed that we were done. Of course I left the door open by saying that if we won the lottery we could have another baby because then I would be able to stay home full time. So I asked him, “did we win the lottery?” he just laughed and told me to go back to sleep.
11:31 – Hubby turns out the light and crawls into bed. I put my arm around him and we fall asleep.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

"Drama" turns 18 today! (poem)

Three years ago "Drama" (then 15 year-old (step) daughter) left home. It was a mutual thing. We couldn't have her living in our home anymore and she sure as hell didn't want to be there. The year leading up to her leaving was a living hell. I was in hell. I was trying to save her, but I didn't know what I was doing and she didn't want to be saved. On the day of her birthday she ran away (snuck out her bedroom window) after being told she could not go to a friend's quinciñera. That was the proverbial "straw" and shortly after that my husband contacted her bio-mom and made arrangements for her to pick up Drama. She lasted about 6 months with her mom, caused lots of more drama before hooking up with an older guy (then 20) and moving in with him. Believe it or not, it was the best choice she ever made. This guy has not only stood by her through way more emotional, physical and circumstantial bullshit than I ever did, but he gave her a home, gave her love and eventually married her. They are still married (no kids) and she is a different person. She was in such a hurry to grow up and today she "officially" is. Today she turns 18. She has a long way to go, there is still a riff between her and her father and lots of emotional baggage that still comes to the surface, but there was a time I didn't think she would live to be 18. The following are two poems (there were many more) that I wrote during the time right after she left. Just a little retrospection in honor of Drama turning 18 today:

The Last Tear

You’ve seen me cry my last tear
Over you
From my lips no more words to hear
About you
No more days of angst, nights in fear
Of you
I’ll watch the storm clouds disappear
After you

No more cloaks and daggers
In those eyes
No more hands that feed you
To despise
No feelings, thoughts or behaviors
To improvise
No more drowning in the bottomless well
Of lies

The sigh of relief
Is the only pension
From years weathering the reef
With weighted tension

I’ll miss the child that grew
Into a friend
I’ll miss the laughter and the time
We’d spend

It just wasn’t enough
To compensate
For words expressed that day
In hate
That broke the ties and
Opened the gate
A flood to fierce
To regulate

For you I’ll pray
That you find your way
To have peace in your heart
And though we’re apart
I love you still
Know that I always did
Know that I always will

This next one was written to the song "Picture" by Kid Rock and ? that was popular at the time. It would just remind me of her out in the world struggling to find herself.


I called you last night on your new cell
Everyone knows but they won’t tell
Their eyes won’t look into mine and I know
Something just ain’t right

I've been waiting on you for a long time
Filling up pages with sad rhymes
I haven’t heard from you in thirty days
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I can't look at you when the lies never end

I put your picture away
Your brothers ask me where you’ve been
I just don’t know what to tell them
I heard about you yesterday from your cousin
It was the same old pattern as back then
The sheriff got my number from an old friend
He was looking for you, where does it end?

I’ve been praying for brighter days
I hoped you were doing alright
I was headed to work
You were off to start your next fight
I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why you’re living life this way
I read a story in the paper today
About a girl your age
She was out late after an argument
They found her dead on the cement

I found your picture today
I wondered how you’ve been
I cried at the thought
Of someone finding you that way

I saw your picture today
I wish we could change our ways
I just called to say I love you
I wish you could come back home

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

# 91 on the verge of his big move...

I am about 50% better than yesterday. What does that mean? It means the edge is definitely gone and replaced with a more dull reminder that yes, the crampiness is still here but probably won't bite me in the ass today. And, yes, if I am nice maybe the Motrin I take might even be effective, but no promises. Some months it is just all out war, I'm telling you. Then it passes and all is good with the world. I've even had glimpses of giddiness. Just little snippets that escape out. I woke up with anxiety but talked myself through it and here I am. If this is any precursor to menopause I am so screwed. So is everyone else in my life. The good news is that a similar dehibilitation probabaly won't re-occur for another couple of months.

#91 says he should be getting an apartment within the next few weeks! He had an interview Monday with the property managers and it looks like they are in line for the new apartments about to come available. This is good for all of us in a lot of ways. There is no bad blood or animosity, it is just time for him to be out on his own. He is almost 24, he just needs to do this. He has been in and out of community college classes since high school and if he was committed to getting into the fire fighter academy, he would have done it by now. I think he is really good at what he does now (teaches special needs kids) and I don't really see him becoming a firefighter anymore. Maybe he will surprise us, I don't know. I just know he enjoys his free time, hanging out with friends, watching sports, sleeping and partying. He can be disciplined but only for short amounts of time. What will it mean at home? Well, for me it means I will have full 24/7 access to my washer and dryer, there won't be clothes hung out to dry all over my garage and treadmill, I won't have to share my kitchen, refrigerator space, all the dirty dishes will my my responsibility (I won't have to pile them up in the corner or put them in his room or some other passive/agressive shit) and I won't have to share my Diet Coke!
He won't be getting in the shower when I'm trying to get the kids in there, he won't be in the bathroom in the morning when the kids need to brush their teeth, I won't have to deal with his 4 towels he insists he "needs" for every shower that take up space on the towel racks in the bathroom, I won't have to deal with his newspaper or magazine that he leaves in the bathroom, I won't have to get pissed over how he never empties the garbage or puts it out to the curb, there will be one less person making a mess and not contributing any help around the house. Okay, things I will miss. Oh, I forgot one... no more fighting with him over parking in the driveway!!! Yay. So things I will miss about #91 not living at home. We will have to pay the PG&E bill. That will definitely suck. I will miss his personality and sense of humor, when I'm not furious with him, of course. The kids will miss him. It will be more pressure on Pooh Bear and I to cover with the kids' schedule, i.e. he won't be around for babysitting during those overlap times. But, we pretty much have weaned ourselves from most of that, so I don't think it should be too hard. Woody is almost old enough to stay by himself for an hour or so if he doesn't want to go to the store with me or whatever. Of course Buzz and Woody together by themselves is definitely a few years away. But, that is another story. I wish #91 the best, he is a good guy and I love him very much.

I imagine some of our future conversations will be like this:
#91-Man, I didn't know this stuff was so expensive!
Me - Oh? Like what?
#91 - Like everything. Like, laundry detergent, dryer sheets, soap, cleaning stuff, vacuums, furniture, utensils, plates...
Me - Hmmm, really? That's funny, I seem to be spending less at the grocery store now that you are gone.
#91-Why didn't you tell me?
Me-Hmmm, I'm pretty sure I did. Plenty of times. You should have listened.
#91 Can I come home?

Goodbye my son. I raised you since you were 10. Now it is time to let you go. You are a young man with your whole life in front of you. Do right by yourself, keep us in your heart and know that we will always be here for you and will always love you.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Oh, the agony!

Can I cry now, or do I have to wait until I get home? My stomach is killing me. Omigod, just stop. Good lord. Make it stop, please. I had to remind myself to eat this morning. What is that about? I never have to do that. Never. I have to remind myself not to eat, sure all the time, but, ugh... this is pure agony. I hate this. I wish I could go to sleep and make all this go away. I felt this coming on. I even wore my "big" pants just for the strethiness and extra room they provide for this bloat squared I'm experiencing. This is crazy and now it is almost time to eat again. I feel hungry but I also feel so much discomfort that it outweighs the hunger pangs. I'm going to have to walk around or do something. I'm starting to fall asleep sitting up.

Okay, well some of the edge has worn off. Maybe because I got something warm in my stomach (vegtable lasagne, yum). Even if the weather isn't cooperating, spring is definitely here. The weekends are fillng up with activities. This weekend we have two soccer scrimmages, a birthday party and the Sharks play back to back (again, this time on the road). I talked over with the kids last night during dinner (trying to come up with good psuedonyms for them instead of their innitials... I'm down to either "Buzz" and "Woody" or "Pooh" and "Tigger") Anyway, I wanted them to think of an activity or class they would be interested in outside of sports. Buzz (7 year-old) right away said piano. How cool was that! Woody (10 year-old) had a harder time thinking of something because his whole life revolves around sports, which was kind of the reason I came up with the idea. At first he said "ballet." I thought he was not being serious, so I told him, "you know, those guys who do ballet are really strong." To which he said, "what, don't you think I am strong enough to do ballet?" Which made me think maybe he wasn't really joking. He did see the Nutcracker in December with his class. Is ballet sports related? It is physical, but it is a form of art, not a sport right? I just want them to be exposed to different things. At home its all about sports. Soccer, hockey, football, now lacrosse (huh?). I mean I love sports, my favorite thing to do is go to the Sharks' game with the kids, but I feel like I'm doing a great disservice by not exposing them to differnt things. How are they supposed to hold a conversation later in life if all they know are hockey stats? We'll see how this works out. It is going to have to be up to me to find the time to fit something else into our schedules, but I think that this is definitely worth it.

Oh, and I guess Buzz and Woody it is. My husband can be Pooh Bear. Hee Hee.

Monday, March 20, 2006

The Straw (french fry) That Broke The Camel's Back

I experienced some PMS rage this morning, er, rather my son did. God I just hate myself sometimes. I couldn't get to sleep (again) last night. I had a glass of wine, I had a slight headache, which I had before the wine. J came home late (worked the Sharks game) and asked me to sit with him while he ate something. I gave him the run down of the day and A's soccer game (scrimmage). All this resulted in an anxiety churning headache and I couldn't sleep. I got up and read until my eyes felt heavy. Then, I snoozed the first alarm, couldn't fall back asleep, but didn't get up to run either. Yeah, love when that happens. So, I thought I'd be smart and pack my food for work, make coffee and get a little ahead for a change with the morning routine. I showered and planned in my head to be calm with the kids and to go over what I wanted to do routine-wise this week with their schedules and homework... All was fine until we were ready to walk out the door (5 minutes early thank you very much) and I noticed that AJ hadn't emptied his soccer back pack and put it away, AJ didn't have his agenda packed for school, JM didn't have his RAH contract packed or his backpack ready. So, I did what came natural. I raised my voice. Ugh. Then as we are trying to walk out, still relatively on time, AJ's back pack breaks. Can't zip the f&%$Ding thing up. Fine, I'm still relatively calm at this point, "go get your old one," I say, "it's in the garage, hurry up." I take JM out to the car, and that's when I lost it. There were french fries, a cereal bar wrapper and AJ's sandals in the backseat! ARGHHhhhh! How could he? What is wrong with him? I let him have it. How he is still a baby, doesn't take any responsibility or pride, just expects everyone to take care of him... yeah, great way to start the morning Mom, thanks. I think I'll take that into my classroom and just be brilliant today Mom. Can't tell you enough how much I appreciate these little pep talks. God I am seriously awful. And you know what's worse? I took two Pamprin this morning. The one that is for irritability. Just for this purpose, so I wouldn't go crazy on the kids. Can I sue the company? My little "irritated" tantrum this morning definitely contributed to the mental downfall of my children. They both felt it. The 10 year-old gets the brunt while the 7 year-old watches. They must be liable somehow. I tried to avoid it or cushion it by taking the damn pills right? Anyway. My morning sucked (so did my son's), it's fucking Monday (again), it's fucking raining (again), I get my fucking period tomorrow (again), I gained a fucking pound on this morning's weigh in (again), I mean what is the fucking point anyway. If i say "fucking" enough fucking times will I start to feel better? I just want to feel better. I want to be able to fucking cope with the mundane things of life like finding french fries in my car. I want to be able to find a fucking french fry in my car and take it in stride and deal with it calmly and collectively and not go crazy and not yell and scream and not belittle my son and not give him proof positive that his mother is raving lunatic-crazy-person. Is that to much to ask? Sigh. I was so close. Now I just suck and get to beat myself up over it all day instead of being productive. Nice. Way to fucking go genius. Want fries with that? Arrghh!!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

100 (or so) Things:

1) I turn 40 this year (July 2006)
2) I am a Leo
3) I am married (14 years)
4) I have 4 kids - a (step)son 24, a (step) daughter 18, a son 10, and a son 7.
5) My step kids were 10 and 4 when I married their dad and lived with us ever since.
6) My 24 year old (step) son is planning to move out soon (he is actually looking at apartments and filling out rental applications- yay! I love him, but he needs to go!
7) My (step) daughter moved out when she was 15 and got married when she was 16.
8) I grew up in Northern California
9) I grew up watching (and loving) baseball and football.
10) Now I follow hockey (nhl) and soccer (mls). I can't stand baseball anymore although I do tolerate some football now and then.
11) I (and my kids) are HUGE Sharks fans
12) My husband works (bartending) at the "Shark Tank" (HP Pavillion) for all their home games
13) We loved the Earthquakes (MLS Soccer), but unfortunately they moved to Houston, and we are without a professional team. My kids (especially the 7 year old) were devestated when this happened. My 7 year-old hates anything to do with Houston, Texas. Hopefully this is just a phase because Houston is a wonderful city as are its residents.
14) He (7 year-old) heard on the news that Houston was flooded during one of the hurricanes and was sure that the Earthquakes could not move to a city that was flooded. When I told him it wouldn't be flooded during soccer season he was devestated all over again.
15) We attended almost every Earthquakes home game in their 2005 season.
16) My son cried when they lost to L.A. in the playoffs. I had to carry him all the way to our car.
17) My sons both play youth soccer.
18) My (step) son played youth hockey when he was younger. He was quite good.
19) My husband helps coach my 10 year-old's team. They play Class 1 competitive soccer.
20) I help coach my 7 year-old's team. He plays in a recreational league.
21) We have a dog named Nico. He is just over a year old, weighs about 15 lbs and is all white with a brown spot and brown markings on his face. He has a pink nose with freckles. He is a Chihuahua / Jack Russell Terrier mix.
22) My husband pretends not to like him but is known to take him for late night walks and feed him little scraps of food when no one is looking.
23) We have a neighbor dog about the same size and age as Nico who thinks he is our dog. He escapes his yard and comes to our house every chance he gets. Nico and the neighbor dog have been known to run off together and turn up miles away from our home. Together they are "doggie drama."
24) I was an athlete in High School. I played basketball and softball.
25) I have struggled most of my life with weight issues.
26) Although much more under control the last 10 years or so, food continues to be a huge weakness and my "drug" of choice.
27) I am never going to be a skinny toothpick and that is okay. I could never say this 10 - 15 years ago!
28) I have one sibling ( brother). He is a good person and is a good uncle to my kids. We are not that close.
29) My dad lives in Arizona. My mom passed away (Cancer) just over a year ago (December 2004)
30) This past October (2005) would have been their 40th wedding anniversary.
31) My dad is 20 years older than my mom. My mom was (only) 62 when she died.
32) My mom worked out at the gym 3-5 times a week up until a few months before she died.
33) I was sitting by her side when she took her last breath.
34) I didn't cry (really all out blubber cry) until the following June when I realized she wouldn't be calling to wish my son a happy birthday. I was in my car on the way to work. I had to pull over.
35) My dad still says "we love you," when he ends a phone conversation.
36) There is the same age difference between me and my (step) son (16 years) as there is between him and my youngest son.
37) When my (step) son teases me about being "old," I remind him that he isn't to far behind me. He really trips out about that.
38) My youngest son got it in his head that I turned 40 last year and proceeds to tell everyone that his mom is 40. He even writes me notes telling me that I'm 40. I told him he's not my favorite anymore (kidding!).
39) He must be getting be back for when I used to pretend not to know how to spell his name. I would spell out his name using the letters in his brother's name, but pronounce it as his name. He would get so mad!
40) How much longer to 100?
41) I love to read and watch movies
42) My husband teases me about how absorbed into a movie I become when watching. He is not much of a movie person. He usually falls asleep during a movie (even at the theatre).
43) I read for fun, so the authors I really like are Sandra Brown, Nora Roberts, John Grisham and Sue Grafton.
44) I like mostly classic rock music. Almost anything from the 70's. I was really into the Beatles in High School. Some of the more current music I listen to is Black Eyed Peas, Mary J. Blige, Linkin Park, Matchbox 20, Maroon 5 and I can't remember what else. Music is not a huge part of my life.
45) I have a Boom-Boom room
46) I drive an SUV (oh, you knew? What tipped you off?)
47) I hate cleaning. Or rather I hate giving up the time that cleaning entails. I hate the anticipation of cleaning and knowing I will have to take away time from doing something I actually like. I do not like living in a dirty or messy house so cleaning is basically a love/hate relationship.
48) I don't really like cooking. I do it out of necessity and sometimes it is fun and things turn out good and the family likes it and I get nice compliments, but other times I just don't have a lot of time and it becomes a real burden.
49) I definitely procrastinate
50) I also am capable of being extremely organized.
51) I guess I am an organized procrastinator...
52) I make lots of lists. Mostly at work. I make a work checklist, a home checklist, a workout / nutrition checklist, a grocery list, a menu list, a kids' schedule list.
53) I often forget these lists at work and have to start them again from scratch.
54) When the procastinator personality takes over the lists are forgotton and replaced with veging out in front of the t.v.
55) When the "full of energy and organized" personality takes over, every item on the list is checked and a new list is made
56) I eat every 2 hours
57) I work out at leasat 3 times a week, unless I don't (see #54)
58) I have a treadmill that I utilize frequently (see # 57), unless I don't (see #54)
59) I love to bike ride. We have great hills nearby for biking
60) I started taking my 10 year-old with me bike riding last summer to help build up his legs for soccer. He is great company and a good sport.
61) I have acknowledged (and accepted) that he will be taller than me ( I am 5' 6") between the ages of 11-12.
62) His feet are already bigger than mine and I wear a size 9.
63) I cried when he turned 10.
64) He is very kind, generous and has a very outgoing personality. He is well-liked in school
65) He has extreme, actual physical growing pains. He gets nausea, headaches and a fever for a 3-8 hour period, and the next day he (or part of him, i.e. his feet) has grown.
66) When he starts to get sick I pretend to be mad at him and tell him to stop growing.
67) I met my husband when we worked together in the same restaurant
68) I was the one to ask him out!
69) He is the hardest working person I know.
70) For some reason he loves me and for that I will never leave him.
71) I love to body surf and boogie board
72) I bought myself and my two younger kids new boogie boards last year. They think it is a blast.
73) My 7 year-old is very cautious and safe in the ocean.
74) My 10 year-old is more of thrill seeker and takes to many risks in the ocean.
75) I love taking pictures and think digital photography is the most wonderful advance in technology known to man.
76) I wish I had more time to spend with my digital camera and photoshop software.
77) I have no musical or artistic talent what-so-ever. I can't sing or draw to save my life.
78) Unfortunately, I think this has passed down to my biological kids.
79) My (step) son on the other hand can draw a lot of things well, unfortunately it is not one of his passions.
80) I love coffee (French Roast, Black) / (n/f latte) / (white chocolate mocha- yum)
81) I love diet coke
82) I love chocolate
83) Something I haven't done but hope to do soon is go wine tasting. I grew up and have lived in California all my life and have never gone wine tasting. Sad. This will have to change.
84) Our (kids and I) favorite t.v. show to watch together is Monk. This show is hysterical on so many levels. Well mostly it makes fun of phobias, but still hilarious!
85) Our favorite episode is "Mr. Monk and the kid." Monk calls 911 to change a baby's diaper.
86) I watch CSI (Las Vegas - I tried watching the "Miami" one and couldn't believe it was cut from the same cloth. Las Vegas is so much better), Law & Order (CI and SVU, don't like the other ones), Gilmore Girls, Seinfeld, Friends, Will & Grace.
87) On some of my proctrasination inspired t.v. marathons I end up watching some of the MTv and VH1 reality shows. They just suck you in.
88) I used to watch General Hospital in my younger years. My mom let me cut school to watch Luke and Laura's wedding!
89) I miss my friends
90) 5 years ago my 100 (or so) Things list would have been 90% negative
91) There is too much testosterone in my house and I am way outnumbered
92) I can see ebay from my office window
93) There is only one other woman in my office (I am way outnumbered at work too)
94) I write poetry. No one has ever read one of my poems.
95) There was a tragic and brutal murder in my neighborhood last fall (2005). Two little girls and their pregnant mother were stabbed by the boyfriend (father of the children). I wrote a poem and left it anonymously along with two teddy bears and flowers.
96) I don't know what made me think of that.
97) I have discovered new anxieties I never knew I had.
98) I have discovered I am much stronger than I ever knew I was
99) I know that I can edit this list when ever I want!
100) I'm having anxiety over how to end this list... (oh, that wasn't to hard!)

Friday, March 17, 2006

Some left over "spew"

I'm feeling some angst that I can't put my finger on. Maybe PMS? I don't know. It is just that time of year. There are changes in the air. Part of me welcomes what comes my way, but part of me cringes and hides from it while trying to hold on to what was. It happens every spring, or rather pre-spring which is where we are right now. Time to start thinking about summer, what to do with the kids. New soccer season about to start, just subtle things in the air. It just sucks having to figure out or worry about someone's hidden agenda. That is what the whole "C" thing was about. Now it makes me look at other families differently. I mean okay, yeah there is/was definitely something "different" (ugh, okay weird) about this family, but still I can't figure out why this bothers me so much. I know I felt this way when E left last year but I didn't feel anxiety like they thought they were leaving for something better and that the team wasn't right for their son... I don't know why it is taking so long for me to get over this. Do I see myself in her? I've thought about this before. The opportunistic part, looking for credit and attention vicariously through her son? This move is for status only. Realistically what makes her think that this move is the right one for her son? To play up to that level is a great thing to brag about to your friends, (blah, blah, my son, blah blah, playing up, blah blah, premier league, blah, blah, left a bad situation, blah blah, professional coaching, blah blah, best ranked club in NorCal, blah blah, better opportunity for R, blah blah, wasn't going anywhere with old team, blah, blah, had him playing defense, blah blah, didn't recognize his talent, blah, blah,hurt his feelings, blah blah...)but eventually he is going to have to play in a game, against older, bigger, more experienced kids that are going to eat him alive. I mean if he is too sensitive for some of the mild things that went on last season, how the hell is he going to cope in the next age and skill level bracket? It is just mind boggling. I have a feeling they are going to come crawling back with their tales between their legs. Otherwise they'll go back to a younger team and we'll face him next season. Something must have really pissed her off. I just wish I knew what exactly it was. She said she "anguished" over the discussion but then she gave herself away by saying she assumed RK wouldn't want to speak to her. Why? Because she knows she made a mistake, she knows she went about this in a sneaky and underhanded manner, she knows that this was a passive/agressive "fuck you" moment and she assumed that he would be so pissed off and so "getting" her message that he wouldn't want to talk to her. But, it seems like she overstepped or overestimated her own and her son's importance. Now she is realizing that we can just get on fine without her son (and her for that matter). She also wrongly assumed that RK would "get" her message. He has 12 other kids to think about (and all the other shit in his life right now) why would her son be his priority? It is just kind of funny to me. I feel like a devil's advocate right now, but I really hope they realize their mistake. I really hope their (and by they I mean mom and son, but mostly mom) ego takes a really hard blow and that through their suffering they realize their handling of this situation was way out of line. Whether they admit it or try to make amends is up to them, but I just hope they fall so they can recognize their evilness in all this. But like my wonderful J says, "at least we won't have to see her fat ass on the sidelines anymore..." Amen to that. Ego of the year, that one. Whew.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

3 Pairs of Pants

Hey, guess what? I'm fitting back into 3 pairs of pants now! This is huge. I was so excited last week when I fit into pair #2 and now this! Well, okay I did have to unbutton them after lunch, but still, I couldn't even get them on a few weeks ago. I feel a little bit better about having at least three pairs now to choose from for wearing to work. I can't believe I went a whole week wearing only one pair. Good thing I work with all men and no one even noticed (yes, I washed them - twice). I bought 4 new pairs of pants last year when I started gaining weight. I was wearing the ones that were getting to small until I finally decided I wasn't going to feel bad about myself and just went a head and bought bigger sizes. Luckily I didn't outgrow any of them. I decided to go really slow this time and not stress over every little morsel of food. If I was hungry between meals I was just going to eat. I promised myself to get back on the tread mill and outside on the bike. So far so good. I started weighing myself once a week (why I chose Monday as the day to weigh myself I'll never know) and I've lost 8 pounds so far. I think it is actually more because I remember weighing myself a few months ago and I was something like 162, but when I began actually recording the weekly weight in January I was at 158. This week and last week I'm at 150. I've noticed a pattern revolving around my period which is very insightful. The Mondays following my period are when I've had the most noticeble losses. Then the next 3 weeks range from -1 lb. to +1 lb. In the past I would have freaked and scrubbed the whole thing for a gallon of ice cream and Oreo cookies. I'm just trying to look at the big picture. Sort of like saving for retirement. It isn't going to all happen at once and slow and steady is the way to go. Besides it is so much better to be able to run around with the kids without all that extra weight or having to stop because my blood sugar dipped to low from not eating properly. Dieting is so mental and emotional. It has been such a vicious cycle for me most of my life. The skinniest I have ever been was about two years ago when I did the Atkins / low carb diet. Yeah, the weight came off ( I was 137 at the doctor's office in April 2004! I mean the doctor's office, which you know is always about 5-6 pounds more than you weigh at home, in the morning, without clothes, after going to the bathroom...)but I had no energy to exercise and it was a pain in the ass cooking seperate meals for myself. Oh, and (step) son kept eating my low carb stuff, cuz, well I guess he decided he was going to try low carb too. He is now doing the Ab diet. He has all kinds of stuff going on in the kitchen, so now I am stealing his food! Ha! Take that.
Anyway, I slowly came off that (low carb diet) which coincided with fall turning into winter (my worst time of year) my mother becoming ill, my mother passing away (December 2004) on top of dealing with the holidays and normal winter blahs that hit every year. So, I pretty much let myself go for the last year. Thus the new pants (size 12 and 13, I think) and the weight hitting up in the 160's, which brings us to now. I've been running, biking (off and on, damn weather!) and eating well since end of December / beginning of January. So with a net loss (did I mention this before?) of 8 pounds I can really see (and appreciate) the difference. I would love to run a 10K this season (maybe 2?) I might be heading toward setting this as one of my goals. Maybe my son (10 year-old) would run it with me or maybe he could run a 5K kids' run that coincides with a 10K? For now, I am happy with three pairs of pants to wear...

Now, when I can get back into my size 8's we'll really have a party!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Is it Spring yet?

Okay, I know I say this every year, but I am so ready for this weather to be over. Yeah it is nice to sit around and have a lazy weekend because the weather is uninviting. Yes the (very low elevation) mountains look beautiful with snow on them, but enough is enough. My kids are losing sweater after sweater, beanie after beanie. If they come home today without their jackets... I don't know what I'll do. I do know that when they go to school in shorts and t-shirts, no items of clothing ever get lost. Yeah, imagine that. Then there is the commute. Why do people drive so badly in the rain? I mean we all have to get somewhere, why is your somewhere more important than mine? I've thought about printing bumper stickers and actually following certain drivers to their destination and sticking them on their cars. They would have sayings like:
"Driver has entitlement issues"
"I was seen driving like an idiot today,"
"I cause road rage"
"There is no excuse I'm just stupid."
"My 5-year old drives better than me."
Of course my biggest pet peeve is probably to long winded for an actual bumper sticker, but I will think of some way to make it fit just to be able to put this on someone's car:

"I was seen passing a line of cars waiting to exit the freeway and cutting in front of them at the last second because, darn it, I am too good and self-important to wait in line like amongst the regular people."

Besides bad driving and lost articles of clothing, the dog is going stir crazy. He is so picky about his bathroom habits and is very distressed that the rain has wiped out his "area." There is no grass out in the yard because we ripped it out before the last storm to get it ready for the new grass. Now it is just dirt and mud and "Mr. Picky" just refuses to poop anywhere except on the grass. He pooped in the garage because (obviously, didn't you know?) carpet is the next best thing to grass, but he learned that we don't all agree on that point and that we didn't appreciate his ingenuity. So he decided to just hold it. He holds it in for days at a time. It is hysterical. After about 3 days he finally pooped on the dirt but he was staring at me the whole time giving me the evil eye. He also doesn' t like to go out to pee when its raining and just holds that in too. I let him out last night (after it finally stopped raining for about 5 minutes) and watched him pee for literally 3 minutes strait without stopping. I wish I had a stop watch. How big can a 15 lb. dog's bladder be? He just loves to be outside. We love to take him on walks to the park and around the neighborhood, but this weather is just killing him. My right arm for spring. Please, I'm begging you.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Lazy weekend and Kharma

Hey. What's up. What a lazy weekend. I don't even feel guilty though because the weather was so ugly. Nasty even. I feel bad for the dog on days like that. Poor guy. Probably why he ran off this morning. I found him, luckily, happy as a clam cruising the streets. The kids were upset (that we didn't find him before they had to go to school), but they will be so happy when they get home from school and he jumps all over them the minute they walk in the door. We have to get the fence fixed. Going to buy the supplies at OSH was one of the errands I blew off yesterday in favor of my tv marathon. I did end up finishing the laundry (just haven't folded it yet!). Oh, and I did get some of the garage sorted. I have one corner that has stuff to give away. One corner of stuff to keep and another corner with stuff still left to sort. That is mostly paperwork. I brought some of it to work to do there. I might has well spend some time being productive instead of just making lists of things I'm going to do when I get home! The whole "C" issue seems to have blown over, although I am still pissed about it. I have to come up with a strategy with the other parents. I want to be honest but without bad-mouthing the C's. I have to just relay the facts, answer questions and let them make up their own minds. The C's are completely in the wrong. They crossed the line by not declaring their intentions sooner. That's the sore point with me (and J too). Just the fact that they could have let the coaches know they were trying out for other teams so we could have had the opportunity to plan for one more open roster spot . Something. They show up to the first practice and then announce the next day (3 weeks before the season starts) that they are leaving. And don't even tell the truth as to why? Talk about a blow. On top of that is the possibility they tried to talk other players' (J or I?) parents into leaving also? Wow. That's an agenda rooted in a thirst for anihilation. That would indicate they just wanted blood. That they truly wanted to make a statement and leave the rest of us just devesated. I truly don't want to think them capable, but this knawing at the pit of my stomach tells me there some really strong undercurrents going on. Where did this come from? Because their kid didn't play the position he wanted? That is just evil. I think it is much more basic. What I have always felt from them is that they look down on everyone. They feel like their son is better and his needs far outweigh those of any other kid on the team. They want their son to be on the best team, the one with "right" reputation. It is ironic that it was our team and coaching that built their son into the player he is now. His maturity and attitude were pitiful when they first brought him. He came to us after being turned down from the other team, who happen to be our arch rivals. Now he has advanced in his skills and he is too good for us. Classic. What does that teach him? This is the parent in me thinking and makes me furious! That you don't have to work for what you want, you sacrifice others to get what you want. You use and abuse. You whine, bribe, kick, cry and stomp in a spoiled rage. When you don't get what you want you leave. No sense of brotherhood with his teammates that my son has. My son doesn't play the position he wants either. But, when we explain the alternative of going to another team with an oportunity to play a different position, he says "no way." How does this kid have no team loyalty? I know this sounds awful and petty, but I seriously hope they fall flat on their ass. I wish every success for R, I really do. But I hope that this team turns out to be a real "development" team and that they don't have the support that R needs (like he does on our team) from other players and they realize their mistake. Seriously, I don't think this team is what they think it is. It is a brand new team that the club just put together after the old team left their club to form another team. They have no (or two at the most) returning players from their league championship team. These are all new kids. They aren't even playing in the top division. I wonder if they know that? We are moving up to the top division. We will be playing most of the season with only 11 kids. Wow. They cut us deep. Deeper if they would have taken 1 or 2 with them. As a strong believer in Kharma, I know that what goes around comes around. I am just sorry that a young person is being educated in this fashion and will have to suffer his parents' sins.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

A Reflection of Love (poem)

In honor of "J's" birthday today I am posting a poem I wrote for him a few years ago. We have been married (almost) 14 years and I love him more today than I did yesterday but not as much as I will tomorrow...

A Reflection of Love

Every day you touch me
In some profound way
Every day I see something new
That I wouldn't have seen alone
Your love is like a presence
One that lives within
I feel it
I sense it
A reflection into myself

A kind word
A gentle hand
Soft lips
Can't express to those
Untouched by love

When we are apart
You are with me
Engrained in my senses
The background to my thoughts
I converse with you in my mind
Imagining what you might say

Your spirit sings to mine
A song all its own
My heart is open to the world
For all to see where it belongs
Your love sees me through
The lowest moments that I feel
When my strength is none
And my will is gone
Yours is there to carry on

Surrounding us is chaos
I rush to join in
I hear you calling me back
Whispers in the dark
There to keep me sane

Your love is a blessing
That God has given me
I am forever humbled
To have your eyes to see

Never question
Never falter
Your belief in me
Look into my reflection
Look at what I see

Saturday, March 11, 2006

The Cast

Cast of Babaloo Characters:

"Hubby" - self explanitory.

"Buzz" - 7 year-old son. A huge soccer and hockey fan who is sometimes a bit obsessed with his favorite teams (Sharks & Earthquakes) and favorite players. Buzz is currently in 3rd grade, plays soccer and sings in the shower!

"Woody" - 11 year-old son. Another huge soccer and hockey fan who grows like a weed and could start shaving now if he wanted too. Woody is in 6th grade, plays soccer and (when not hyper and pestering his brother) is an absolute joy.

"#91" - 24 year-old (step) son. Works with special needs kids. He wore #91 in his youth hockey days after Sergei Federov. He is a wonderful human being (when he is not drinking my diet coke and parking in my parking spot).

"Drama" - 18 year-old (step) daughter. What can I say? Her name says it all and I still love her anyway!

"Nico" - 1 year-old Chihuahua / Jack Russel Terrier mix. Nico is not a psuedonym, his name is really Nico. The kids named him after Niko Dimitrakos, their favorite (now former) Sharks player.

"Babaloo" - Me. See: 100 (or so) Things

Friday, March 10, 2006

An attempt at being "snarky."

I think a great compliment to get would be "you are so snarky," or "that was so snarky." Well, it has come to this. Blogging at work. It's kind of cliche don't ya think? When I have no work I read other blogs. It started with keeping informed by checking out the news sites. I started with my local newspaper website, then was hitting the Fox news site which is where I somehow stumbled on to newsblogs. From there I discovered personal blogs and some of them are a serious riot! I finally know what lol means. Literally! I actually did. Several times. Finally, today I just said "what the hell, I'll start a blog too." It's not like anyone will ever read it. I can just come here and vent about this and that. One thing to know about me is that I over-explain myself. A lot. It's like I think people won't get me unless I explain every step I took in reaching a decision. Take this entry for example. Who f'n cares why I started a blog? (note to self: I just did okay?) I don't have to explain every justifiable reason behind it. I really don't like that about myself. I do it in conversations as well. Just pisses me off. I say something and then suddenly I'm off on some tangent explaining why I came the conclusion that I came to and mid-sentence I look at the other person's facial expression and realize the really don't give a shit and then I just end the conversation lamely and feel stupid all the rest of the day. Okay, it doesn't always happen like that, but you get the idea. Over-explaining, that's me, check. Seeking approval of others? Maybe. Probably. I wish I would stop. I'm to old to be seeking approval. I certainly don't need it and wouldn't appreciate it even if it was freely offered. That's that. First entry done. Check.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006