Battle for Inner Balance

It was very depressing driving home today. I couldn't help thinking that I should be attending a graduation today. My son's graduation. I'm stuck somewhere between total helplessness and my last sliver of hope. 

I try not to let myself go too deep in thought during these moments because I can get very lost. I have to stay positive and focus on each day as they come. I can't look back and I can't get to far ahead of myself either. A life in limbo, if you will.

 I have to concentrate on the healthiest things possible. Healthy thoughts and a healthy attitude. I don't always succeed. The bad things creep in and sometimes I don't treat myself the way I should. I feel like I'm one or two bad days away from completely losing it. I am battling constantly for balance. Battling my inner demons, battling my family and battling my responsibilities at work. Sometimes I come home and literally just melt down until it is time to go to sleep.  

Sometimes the only people I want to talk to are my dogs. *sigh*. 

I've been trying to avoid thinking about graduation and trying not to be envious of those with kids going off to college. It's to much to take when my day to day wins are keeping my kid out of jail.  He needs 15 credits to get his diploma. He'll get 10 at the Adult Ed summer program. Then I think he can finish in the fall. I don't even know if that is correct. Ugh. He won't be graduating from Foothill. He'll be graduating from Adult Ed. The requirements might be different. This, if course, is all contingent upon him not violating probation or getting any new charges. 

Thinking about it gives me a headache. And? If I see one more graduation themed commercial or television plot... I can't be responsible for my actions.