Changes...

So, I’m sitting at the park watching 7 y/o Buzz ride his bike around (and around and around and around) the black top/basketball court area. Why is this significant? Because he just learned how to ride it and I was proud and in awe of this “ah ha” moment he was having. The smile on his face every time he passed me was worth a thousand pictures. After a while I got up from where I was sitting to check on Woody who was in another part of the park kicking his soccer ball around with his buddy G.

Left alone with my thoughts I began thinking about all the changes going on in my life. Right in front of my eyes, I thought, is Buzz out there riding a bike for the first time and becoming so grown up. I thought of Woody, days from turning 11, starting to prefer the company of his friends over me and grown up enough to be without my immediate supervision. I thought of my (step) son, whom I fondly raised from the age of 10, freshly out of the house and in his own apartment. I thought of myself, just a month shy of my 40th birthday. I thought of friends in our life, two different families actually, who are both moving away this summer. One to the other side of the country and the other to a completely different country. And what is, perhaps, the biggest change of all, my (step) daughter, whom I raised from the age of 4, is having a baby. She is due the first week of December. I used to always joke that I would be a grandmother before I was 40, so I guess I wasn’t to far off the mark ((sigh)).

I haven’t talked too much about my daughter on this blog. To say that it's complicated is probably too simple of an out. If I would have started a blog 3-4 years ago it would have all been about her. I probably would have named it “Drama & More Drama.” To try and summarize her life, our relationship, her relationship with her father and her relationship with her bio-mom, would be to overwhelming to even attempt. I won’t even try. What I will say is that she left our home on her 15th birthday, got married at 16 and now at 18 is expecting her first baby. Now you are all up to speed! Please feel free to fill in the gaps with your imagination. I’m sure what ever you come up with cannot be more “out there” than the truth.

And? I’m sorry if I sound glib, jaded, or heartless... but, wow you just really had to be there. I had a lot to let go and get past in order to be available to raise the two boys. They were getting caught in the crossfire and it freaked me out that the dysfunction of it all was “normal” to them. But? The main reason it was so difficult (for me), was because when she was good, she was really good. She was helpful, thoughtful, funny and poured herself into loving her little brothers. However, when she was bad, she was over-the-top-how-do-we-even-live-under-the-same-roof (?) bad. I kept trying to “save” the good but they came as a package and in the end, didn’t want to be saved.

Why does everything seem to change all at once? A few months ago it seemed like nothing was going to change. Or maybe I just didn’t see it. But now? It is as if a wave of changes is forming and if I’m not careful, I just might drown.

Oh, and please... no "grandma" jokes.