Left alone with my thoughts I began thinking about all the changes going on in my life. Right in front of my eyes, I thought, is Buzz out there riding a bike for the first time and becoming so grown up. I thought of Woody, days from turning 11, starting to prefer the company of his friends over me and grown up enough to be without my immediate supervision. I thought of my (step) son, whom I fondly raised from the age of 10, freshly out of the house and in his own apartment. I thought of myself, just a month shy of my 40th birthday. I thought of friends in our life, two different families actually, who are both moving away this summer. One to the other side of the country and the other to a completely different country. And what is, perhaps, the biggest change of all, my (step) daughter, whom I raised from the age of 4, is having a baby. She is due the first week of December. I used to always joke that I would be a grandmother before I was 40, so I guess I wasn’t to far off the mark ((sigh)).
I haven’t talked too much about my daughter on this blog. To say that it's complicated is
And? I’m sorry if I sound glib, jaded, or heartless... but, wow you just really had to be there. I had a lot to let go and get past in order to be available to raise the two boys. They were getting caught in the crossfire and it freaked me out that the dysfunction of it all was “normal” to them. But? The main reason it was so difficult (for me), was because when she was good, she was really good. She was helpful, thoughtful, funny and poured herself into loving her little brothers. However, when she was bad, she was over-the-top-how-do-we-even-live-under-the-same-roof (?) bad. I kept trying to “save” the good but they came as a package and in the end, didn’t want to be saved.
Why does everything seem to change all at once? A few months ago it seemed like nothing was going to change. Or maybe I just didn’t see it. But now? It is as if a wave of changes is forming and if I’m not careful, I just might drown.
Oh, and please... no "grandma" jokes.