Dear Alex -
Last night you woke me up at 3:40am because you were locked in the Boom Boom room. WTH? Seriously, you called me on the house phone (gave me a heart attack) and I had to get out of bed to let you back in. What were you doing in there? How did you get locked in? Your dad said he got up around 3 and noticed the door was unlocked and locked it. He didn't see you in there. You said you were talking to someone on the phone and slammed the door and it locked by itself. Your story doesn't hold, which is one of the most frustrating things I have with you. You don't tell the truth. You lie and lie to the point where even you don't know what is the truth any more. So, did you sneak out? Were you out partying somewhere? Did you go outside to get high? Wow, and you wonder why you are tired all the time and get sick. Damn Alex. Do you want some truth? Of course you don't, you can't accept the truth. But here it is. You have no life skills. You don't know how to take care of yourself. You don't know how to handle money, earn money, save money, budget money, anything. You don't know how to do anything except lie, cheat, steal, sneak and get high. How are you going to make a living with that? I have been encouraging you for months to get your CA ID (which you lost over a year ago) so you can get a job. You don't want to get a job, however, because you don't want to have to pass a drug test. You don't want to have to pass a drug test because you get high every day and don't want to give that up. You have never done anything for yourself or to establish yourself. You talk a great talk but there is never anything substantial to back it up. Every time you make a grand effort to do something, you start strong, fade out, give up and fail. Football (kicked off the team for stealing a cell phone), soccer (cut from team because of grades, getting high and not being able to compete), school (grades, cutting class, suspended, expelled from Pegasus), getting strait and getting away from the people to drag you down (you always go back, they give you credit for your weed and then when they demand their money you have to steal it from somewhere, usually us). It is a never ending cycle and a never ending nightmare and heartache for me. You need to grow your mind son. It is so single minded right now you can't see the damage you are creating for yourself and your future. Oh, and by the way? Phone calls at 3:40 am are reserved for serious emergencies only. Next time sleep on the couch in there.
Dear Alex -
I didn't see you for most of the weekend. We were like two ships crossing in the night. It is so hard having you out there not really knowing what you are doing but fearing and suspecting the worst. It has been like this for a while and it makes me sad that you and I haven't had a real conversation in months. I really miss you. I miss your light. I miss your smile. I miss the mischievous twinkle in your eye. Love you.
Dear Alex -
I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. When you were little it was easy to take care of you. Back then a hug and a snuggle on my lap would cure almost anything. Now it is up to you to take care of yourself, to know your limits and to just rest your body when it needs to heal from being ill. I heard you coughing last night and just so you know I couldn't sleep well because I was worrying about you and wishing you would feel better. That will never change babe, no matter how grown up you get.
Here is a quote for you, I don't know the source but the words are wise:
"Saying sorry doesn't solve the problem. It's what you do after that truly counts."
Dear Alex -
I saw this quote today and thought of you:
"Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused." - Alan Cohen
Dear Alex -
I never pulled over the car to just to look at the moon, I was never willing to give someone my last bite, I never planned on dealing with someone else's boogers, I never read a book 50 times in a row, I never found rocks in my dryer, I never had the power to heal a wound with my kiss, I never had my heart walking around outside my body...until you.
Dear Alex -
I am so frustrated and depressed about what is going on with you right now. I don't know what is going on in your head that makes you think the choices you make are good for you. Do you hate yourself? Do you hate your life? Do you not comprehend the consequences of your actions before you do things?
I have been looking (I will not stop) for something in you that will convince me that you have stopped lying. That you have stopped cheating and looking for the easy way to do things. That you have stopped stealing. That you have stopped smoking weed. That you have decided to take responsibility for yourself and your actions. I'm looking and I'm waiting. I will never stop until that happens. Never.
Maybe you are still too young. But if you don't start soon you are going to end up in jail. It is a long way back from that Alex. A long way back. You are about to be an adult and there won't be any more warnings or phone calls to your parents. It will be strait to lockup and then to court. Open your eyes son. This is going to happen. This is happening. You are shoplifting. You are ripping (the tags off of) shirts and walking out of the store with them. You broke into the neighbors' house and stole from them. You stole $100 out of your dad's wallet on Saturday while he and I were drinking coffee in the next room. Money that he worked for and brought home just the night before. Money that was for our groceries.
It scares me to think about the things we don't know about. I just love you so much that my mind can't wrap around the fact that you are a criminal. That's what you are, you know. A criminal. It's not how I see you and it isn't even close to what I think about you, but it is what you are whether you admit it to yourself or not. That's part of the problem isn't it? You are not only lying to your dad and I. You are lying to the most important person in your life. Yourself.
Please Alex. Please be good. Please get away from this mess you are in. Please be my son again. Please come back. I miss you so much. I'll do what ever you need. I'll do anything. Sometimes, in my darkest moments, I wish I could stop loving you and that I could just let you go...but I can't. It is impossible. I will love you until the day I leave this earth. It hurts Alex. It physically hurts my brain and my heart to think of you any other way than my son, my baby boy. The kid that could light up a room with his smile and whose laughter could always change even the foulest of moods. The only face that I wanted to see every single day. Please, come back to me.