Wednesday, October 05, 2011

The Body Snatchers...

...That have taken over the bodies of my sweet boys and turned them into teenagers.

Alex (left) age 3 and Jacob, age 9 months
 As of September 19th, both my boys officially became teenagers. The oldest, now 16, and the youngest, who may as well have been a teenager for the last year-and-a-half, just turned 13. My boys! My pride and joy. Most of the time? I love this part of their lives. I have loved watching them grow up into the awesome, fun loving young men that they are. I love hanging out with them, I love watching them compete in their sports, I love hating the girls that call and text them  seeing them with their friends and I really enjoy their sense of humor. They are hilarious, honestly. Just ask them.
Alex , 16

Jacob, 13
But? There are times where I just want to go back to a simpler time when they were my sweet, little boys, or skip ahead to when they are autonomous and independent young men. Because, let me tell you something:


Yes, I went there. Let me tell you why. Half the time they are driving me crazy with their messes, busy schedules, body & foot odor, hormonal outbursts, challenging my authority and tuning me out. The other half of the time they are purposely making me feel like I am going slowly insane by exploiting my unwavering trust in them, my forgetfulness, and my actual fondness of them. It's true. You can ask them.

Jacob, showing his hoodie head phones (really)
I am convinced that some villainous, alien beings have crept their way into my children's bodies and taken over. There are moments when I know, I just know with every last inch of my soul that they can't possibly be my boys. Not the ones I gave birth to, not the ones that were so cute, cuddly, content with life and definitely not the sweet-natured, well behaved boys that I know and love.
Alex, making a profile picture
These things that look like they could be my kids? They argue. With me, with each other. They lie, they talk back and they don't listen or hear unless it 100% benefits them in some way. They can be irrational and make absolutely no sense what-so-ever, but will not stop arguing... even when they are wrong. Even when they know they are wrong. Sometimes, they argue for sport... just to get under my skin. Especially the oldest. When I am having a discussion with him that is going nowhere and decide that I will kick him so hard that he'll never argue with me again am done, he says, "I win," and walks away with a smile on his face while I am left scratching my head and trying figure out what just happened.

Untamed, alien, monster beings. I am convinced. Please provide evidence internet, if you can, that I am wrong.

Their faces, once chubby and smooth are now chiseled and rough with facial hair and acne. That once sweet baby smell has become, ugh, somewhat of an odious, odorous nightmare, especially when you throw in competitive sports and competitive sports equipment..  There are seriously times when I have to drive home (one handed) from soccer practice covering my nose, with the window down (on the freeway) squinting through tears just from the awfulness and in-humaneness of it all.

Jacob age 3 1/2
Their voices, which used to be so sweet and adoring are now deep and man-like. They used to call me "mama" when they were babies and toddlers, then "mommy" when they were in elementary school. I am now referred to as "mother." I used to get angelic hugs out of the blue. Now, I get snuck up from behind and lifted up in the air against my will... just because they can. They used to jump up on my lap and snuggle with me when I was watching TV. Now, they tell me "I was sitting there," and ask me to move. Also? They used to watch fun shows (that I enjoyed too) like "iCarly" and "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody." Now they watch asinine MTV reality shows and skateboard competitions. Blech.

Alex (left) and Jacob ages 8 and 5
The younger one used to run to me in tears telling me how mean his big brother was being to him. Now? They just yell at each other (with their man-like voices), slam doors and more often then not, punch each other. I only step in if there is a threat of property damage. They used to ask permission if they could have a snack. Now, they just eat. Everything. 24 hours a day. Nothing seems to be off limits. Even the food that is off limits. Like, for example, the leftovers that I was going to re-heat for that night's dinner. Or, the food for my diet. 
They used to bring me random things to show their love and affection like interesting rocks they would find on the street, flowers or cute drawings and artwork from school. Now? They bring me detention notices, funky, diseased dishes from their room and my car keys. So I can drive them somewhere. They used to never think about girls or even want to talk to them. Now they argue over who is going to marry Megan Fox and discuss how "hot" Victoria Justice is. Excuse me? Also? They text, talk and flirt with girls and, *gulp*, go out with them.
Alex, age 5

They used to be so happy to see me. When I would come home they would race to see who would be the first to jump into my arms. "Mommy!" They would scream with delight and melt my heart. Now I sort of get the "head nod" and sometimes, if I'm lucky, even a "hey." The happy reunions in the evening are now reserved for just me and the dog. He, at least is ALWAYS happy to see me and not afraid to let me know. He is also my favorite child right now.

Nico, age 7, doesn't talk back

I look at them sometimes and realize just how, well, big they are. Not little boys, but not quite men.  These are not babies. Those sweet souls have been replaced with lethargic, moody, couch dwelling things with smelly feet that eat my food and give me attitude for my troubles.

There must be an experimental medical factory somewhere that manufactures these body snatchers. Then, whatever maniacal scientist that runs this evil facility, unleashes them on humanity when our children are at their most vulnerable. I.e., Middle school. As parents we are distracted by information packets, rules and instructions from seven different teachers. We are thinking about their first dance, what kind of music is on their iPod and wondering how do they (at age 12) know more about computers then we do. Meanwhile, their bodies are being taken over... right before our eyes and we don't notice until it is to late. Then, one day, out of nowhere, they have a complete meltdown right in front of your eyes, the likes of which you haven't seen since the age of 3 when you wouldn't buy them that thing, at the store, that one time.

There is nothing you can do at that point. The transformation is in place. You are powerless. You are a parent. OF A TEENAGER. Or? A body snatcher that has taken over your child. Either way, you are legally responsible until the age of 18, whether you like this person/thing or not.

Welcome to hormonal hell. Pull up a chair. Have a glass of wine.There are others here, you aren't alone. It's their world now. We are just observers and our only role is to make sure they don't have any fun. At all. It helps also if you are "totally unfair."


Attraversiamo said...

Oh I love that picture at the end! If only my parents had said that to me - although honestly, they probably did. I was a terrible teenager and I KNOW I'm going to pay for it as a mom. I feel that is perhaps why my four year old has the attitude of a teen already. Sigh - it's the resemblances of me that are my only complaint agains him lol.

Corinne O'Sullivan said...

You truly have a way with words! I was laughing quite hard reading your post. I even shared some of it with my husband since he wondered why I snorting with laughter. My son is only 9 months old, and your post made me appreciate just how darn cute this age is. Oh, the things I have to look forward to...