What I have learned Wednesday

1. I have learned that I have deep-seeded anger, resentment and shame for the American educational system every time I see someone write the word "loose" or "loosed" when what they really meant, based on the context of their statement, was "lose" or "lost." Deep-seeded people, as in I want to violently strike someone every time I see it. Damn you social media, for bringing this shortcoming to light.

2. I have learned, just this morning actually, that I will accept defeat gracefully tonight if the Giants lose in game 7 of the 2014 World Series. It will be refreshing to lose to a kind-hearted and dedicated (non arrogant) team and fan base for a change. Their fans' reason for why they think they will win? "It's been 29 years, it's our turn." How can you argue with that? Of course, if the Giants do pull this off, all bets are off. I WILL lose (not loose) my mind and it won't be pretty or graceful.

3. I have learned that the word chthonian means of or pertaining to the deities, spirits, and other beings dwelling under the earth. From classic mythology. I just had to add that to my spell check dictionary. That's right, no red line under my words!


4. I have learned that my youngest son's doctor (orthopedic surgeon) likes to knit.

5. I have learned that sometimes the unthinkable and unimaginable can happen and that I can be pretty calm under pressure when it does happen. Of course I become a blubbering mass of jello when the crisis has past... that is just my style. 

6. I have learned that "dog shaming" picture galleries are, aside from being hilarious, uplifting and good for the soul.

Happy Hump Day!


~Babaloo

Why Not?

Most Quotable Friday

"You can yell at the heavens, you can pound your fists in the air, you can cry at the most insane, frustrating task you have ever taken on, but you can’t really quit." ~ Stacy's Mothering Moments

"Faced with inevitable change, the choice was mine. I could fight until my spirit was weary, or I could release all resistance and create something new in my changed world." ~ Dean Jackson

"Those who don't know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either." ~ Golda Meir 

"Don't sacrifice your peace trying to point out someone's true colors. Lack of character always reveals itself in the end." ~ Mandy Hale

"You'll turn out ordinary if you're not careful." ~ Ann Brashares

"I had no idea that history was being made. I was just tired of giving up." ~ Rosa Parks

"If you hang out with chickens you're going to cluck and if you hang out with eagles, you're going to fly." ~ Dr. Steve Maraboli 

Thursday Blurbs

1. I wanted to start off with a positive story I heard on the news this morning. They are far and few between, but this one made it through all the negative bullshit that is a our daily news. The story was about a Bald Eagle that was rescued, rehabbed and released back into the wild yesterday by a group called the Wildlife Education Rehabilitation. The eagle was found in Morgan Hill and was originally thought to have been shot. But after further care it was determined that she had somehow impaled herself on a metal fence (ouch). But now she is recovered from her injuries and free out and about in her natural habitat.

2. I just checked the three lottery tickets I had laying around.... I didn't win.

3. I have never been prone to anxiety attacks (unless I am watching one of my teams come from behind late in a game), but since early yesterday morning I have had an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach that won't go away. It woke me up and is actually impacting my breathing. I walked around taking deep breaths for 10 minutes last night and had a couple glasses of wine... but it is back this morning.

4. Alex passed his GED test! He has completed high school. It isn't a cure-all, but it is a win and I need a win, no matter what the size.

5. Oh! Hot flashes... I think I'm starting to get them. Last night and the night before I just started burning up and sweating out of nowhere.  They aren't so bad. Kind of funny actually. When it happened last night my husband was like "are you having another hot flash?" It was only my second one (if that is even what it was) but he made it sound like I get them all the time. I guess I appreciate how he "normalized" them for me. Probably so I wouldn't start freaking out about it. Another reason why I love him.

6. Well, I guess since I am  self proclaimed "sports geek" I guess I should admit that game 2 of the World Series did not go well for the Giants last night. They come back home today for their 3 games at home which start tomorrow. But? I don't know. I'm not going panic, but the Royals look good and they look confident. The last two teams that the Giants have played in the World Series, looked shell shocked after losing game 1. Visibly shaken after losing to an "inferior team" it just got all bad for them after that... but this team? They don't look like that at all. Maybe because the experts have just proclaimed the Royals as "slightly better" than the Giants where in years past there was no question that the Giants had no business even being on the same field with their American League counterparts.

7. See?  I told you I was a geek. That last blurb was supposed to be a one or two liner, and I look what I turned it in to... LOL!

8. The 49ers have a bye this weekend, so my brother has invited me to play golf on Sunday. We have a tee time for early afternoon, but it is supposed to rain all day Saturday. I should ask him if there is a contingency plan. Knowing him, I'm sure he has two.

What I Have Learned Wednesday

1. I have recently learned that there are a lot of die hard 49er fans in L.A. and throughout Southern California. These same fans are also fans of the Dodgers, Lakers and LA Kings. I am having trouble processing this as I don't quite know how, or what, to feel about it.

2. I have learned more than I ever thought I would need to know about knee injuries, torn ligaments, ligament repair surgery, wheelchair rentals, physical therapy, post surgery care, icing machines, motion machines and whether or not one actually "needs" a meniscus.

3. I learned that there is a name for the "dot" you put on a lower case "j" and "i." It is called a "tittle." - True story.

4. I learned that Bay Area radio stations are "banned" from playing the Lorde song "Royals" during the 2014 World Series between the SF Giants and KC Royals. I don't know how that is possible to actually do or regulate... but I'm assuming it is all in good spirit and that the artist won't suffer any collateral damage.

5. I learned that Super Man wears "Hunter Pence" underwear.

6. I have learned that people who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them.

7. I learned that last night's Game 1 of the World Series was the "lowest rated game 1 in MLB history." We can't all be "Royal" or "Giant." I really don't blame anyone for not being interested. If the Giants weren't in it, I wouldn't be watching either. I don't even know who won last year. Was it the Cardinals?

8. I have learned that you will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason for why we observe Daylight Savings Time.

9. I have learned that once someone believes that they are a jinx, you can never convince them that they are not. *sigh*

Dear Internet

Dear Internet -

It has been 1 year, 2 months and 3 days since my last post. I wish I had an excuse for neglecting you, but I don't. It has been both an amazing year as well as a painful one. My oldest son got married in July! The wedding was on Maui and the trip was amazing! It was the first family vacation we have had in years and I think a part of me knows it will most likely be our last.That is why I did everything I could to make it happen. No regrets and the memories from those 10 days on the islands will last a lifetime. I took Juan and the boys to the National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific and showed them where my grandparents' ashes are kept. We also went to Pearl Harbor and explored the World War II Valor in the Pacific National Monument. We were all deeply impressed. I especially, since they have made it into a great experience and history lesson since I had visited last as a child. Earlier in the year Jacob and I went to a Stanley Cup Playoff Game 7, which we have never done before. Of course, we lost, which sucks balls, but we can now say we went to a Game 7! The four of us went to a Giants game earlier in the season, which was the first time any of us had been to a game at AT&T park and the Giants even won! I went to the inaugural 49ers game at Levi's Stadium, which again was quite an experience even though we lost that game too.

However, all the while...

For years my son Alex has been headed down a bad path. It started when he was about 13 or 14 when he started shoplifting. Since that time he has made choices for himself that did nothing but set himself up for failure. He used alcohol and marijuana regularly, began stealing to pay for these choices and never looked back. He didn't graduate from high school, he spent time in drug counseling, juvenile hall, court ordered drug rehab and now most recently in jail. Real jail. He has been there since August 16th. We have a lawyer who is building the best case for him in order to enter a plea deal, but it is a long process and he has been in a county correctional facility this whole time. He is facing two strikes as he had another charge earlier in the summer that was never filed by the D.A., but because of the second incident (both burglary charges), the D.A. has decided to file charges from the first arrest and pile it on top of this one. He is only 19 years old.

Compounded by this is my youngest son who went through a devastating injury to his left knee while skateboarding about 6 weeks ago. His passion is skateboarding. It is who he is and it is how he defines himself. Unlike his older brother, he chose a positive, life affirming path with unlimited potential. Until now. That day he was at a spot that he and his friends frequent often and he attempted a huge jump off a large set of stairs. His body landed one way and his knee went the other. He tore nearly all his ligaments (ACL, PCL, MCL, LCL) and his meniscus. His orthopedist (who works with professional athletes including professional skaters) said it was the worst skating injury he has ever seen and that he was lucky he didn't lose his leg because of it. He just had his second surgery last week and is recovering nicely, but he will never be the same again. He will be able to walk and have a normal life, but he will never be able to skate (absorb the type of impact) at the level he was able to before the injury.

So, as this is all going on.... you can imagine the bills are piling up and I feel like I am spinning deeper and deeper into debt. I am overwhelmed. I am exhausted. I can't find a happy place in my mind to go to when I have a moment's peace. I am haunted. I am hurt. I am broken.

A part of me has just checked out. That part that doesn't want to deal with the pain but only wants to deny it, ease it, suffocate it. Dealing with the pain means accepting things for what they are, and let's be honest, I've never been great at that. I will do anything to waive off pain, waive off reality until it subsides on its own but is never truly gone.

Writing has always been very cathartic for me, so maybe just getting this all out will give me some peace or at least help me reconcile some of the broken pieces. As usual internet, you have been great. Thank you for this forum and for the opportunity to come back and write again.

Love,
Me

So Easy

It would be so easy to open up that bottle of wine hidden out of sight in the cupboard. It would be so easy. My son left a bag of  Lays potato chips sitting on the couch. It would be so easy to sit down, start eating them and pass the night away oblivious to my troubles. 

It would be so easy to quit. It is so hard to find the strength every day to make the right choice. Every night there is a critical moment where it could go either way. Every day there is a reason to go back into the darkness. Every day there is a trigger, a trap set up by my subconscious.  But I know the dark feelings will pass if I just hold on long enough. 

Some days go by and I feel on top of the world. I feel strong, confident and proud. But I know these positive feelings won't last forever either, so I do my best to ride them out without getting to high on myself. 

It would be so easy  to surrender. I know because I've done it. I've gone to that place where I don't have to feel or care what is going on around me. It's just a step away.  It would be so easy. 

Just not today. No, not today. Today I will live the hard way. I will see what is front of me and I will face it the way it was meant to be faced. It would be so easy to give up and give in... but today I choose to take another step forward. And that? Is never easy. 

Mean Words - Writer's Workshop

This is a Writer's Workshop topic from a while back:

Share something mean someone said to you once, why has it stuck with you after all these years?

There was a lot of good topics to choose from for this week's Writer's Workshop but this one stuck out at me. I immediately knew what that something was and thought it would be good to finally analyze why it has stuck with me all these years. Let's do some self-analysis!

The words themselves are not that mean. They are more along the lines of common sense, but before I get to that, here is some background:

I was 13 or 14 at the time. The dark ages, if you will. Puberty had hit with all the angst and feelings of resentment that life had to offer. I had a substantial weight gain just as I was outgrowing the whole "tomboy" thing, and life could not possibly get any worse. As I began to feel more feminine and acknowledged my growing attraction to boys my body did a complete mutiny. I, apparently, was not destined to be skinny and popular. I felt gross and disgusting. Looking back... I wasn't even that big, but at 14 every flaw is magnified and way out of its correct proportion. Soon my mother got involved. Back at that time she was getting into fitness and had joined a gym. She would always be telling me to come work out with her and that I was gaining to much weight. I remember shopping for clothes with her one time and she refused to buy a pair of pants for me in a certain size because it was a larger size than she wore and she didn't think that I should be bigger then her. The problem, however, was that I was bigger then her. I was 4 inches taller, 2 shoe sizes bigger and probably 25-35 pounds heavier. The more my mother would nag or hint around the subject that I needed to lose weight, the more I wanted to stuff my face with fattening foods and sweets. It was an eating disorder playground.

My dad was tall and skinny which I attribute to good DNA and lots of discipline. My younger brother took after my dad and then there was me. My mom would actually give me smaller portions of food at the dinner table. We would sit down to eat and my mom and I would have one size portion and my dad and brother would have a much larger, different size portion. It didn't really matter though. When I would do the dishes I would just eat whatever was left over or any snack foods that were in the cupboards. At one of my low points I remember opening cake mix and eating the powder with a spoon.

One day, my mom made an appointment and took me to see my pediatrician about my weight. I don't remember to much about the visit or even if it was a complete physical. But I do remember the words he said to me that day. I didn't know what he was going to say, but I thought it would be medically sound and maybe even somewhat profound. I thought it would be from a place that the rest of us ,who didn't go to medical school, would be able to chew on and pontificate a bit about the wonders of the medical profession and how advanced the knowledge was compared to my own limited exposure.  In other words, I had higher expectations. These were his exact words: "Why don't you try eating less?"

OMG. And that was it. What? Really? Eating less? That is all I have to do? So simple! So easy! Why hadn't I thought of that while I was stress eating my way up to 160 pounds?

Now. Why has this stuck with me all of these years? I believe as I have dealt with my food issues, weight gains and weight losses through the years, I come back to those words to realize how far I have come since that time. There was such an ignorance about proper nutrition, food addiction, triggers, body image, etc. Just the whole emotional turmoil of adolescence swirling around food issues. It was not a good combination for me. My mother was caught up in it and in turn brought me into the fold. But for whatever reason, "try eating less" was the best "professional" advice at the time.

Thanks Doc. I'll get right on that. Just as soon as my mom goes out so I can raid the kitchen in private and eat my feelings.

What Do I Want?

Me? What do I want?

No one ever asks me this question unless I yell for one of my kids or am ordering food. But, it is a good topic of discussion amongst the active voices in my head. So, have at it. Only those answers that serious and well thought out will be considered by management. *imaginary groan*

Most of us (the voices) want the same things. I want to be physically and emotionally healthy. I want to be able to come home from work and get things done around the house instead of sitting on the couch, eating unhealthy food and drinking the night away. I want to enjoy planning and cooking meals. I want to have healthy meals prepared my husband to take for lunch to help him with his diet and help him kindle his healthy lifestyle. I want to get up early and go to the gym before work. I want to come to work with a healthy attitude and be productive. I want to find a better job that pays more. I want to be able to go on vacation. I want to be able to save money instead of living paycheck to paycheck.

I want to be a positive role model for my kids. I want them to know and feel the unwavering love that I have for them.

I want to go on amazing bike rides and hikes on the weekends. I want to go on day-trips on Sundays with my husband. I want to go wine tasting and learn as much about wine as possible. I want to be joyful. I want to be positive. I want to be helpful. I want to be patient. I want to be kind always.

I want to read amazing books and watch brilliant movies. I want to travel around the world and photograph everything. Every last thing. I want to write witty and colorful commentary. I want to learn how to play the guitar. I want to learn to play the piano as well. I want season tickets to the Earthquakes, Sharks and 49ers. I want to go to every single game possible and give tickets away to deserving people at every opportunity.

I want to endure and stand tall through strife. I want to appreciate with a humble heart when things are going well. I want to overcome weakness and to never give up. I want to have the courage to imitate strength and resolve in my dark moments when I am convinced that all is lost.

I want to be the person that my adorable puppies think that I am. I want the chance to talk to my grandmother again. I want to not want for anything.

What Do You Want?

I posed this question to my soon-to-be 18-year-old son the other day as we were driving home from Juvenile Hall where he had spent a weekend sanction for not following the rules of his probation. Surprise, surprise... he didn't have an answer. He wasn't even sure what I wanted to hear, which is how he answers most questions that I pose to him. What I wanted to hear was simple. Anything. Anything at all close to resembling a sentiment that he wanted to straiten out, stop smoking marijuana, start thinking about his life and what he wanted to do with it. Words that expressed how he wanted to get his High School diploma, that it was important to him. I wanted to hear something that showed the slightest bit of excitement or drive for something positive. A job, an activity, an interest, a sport. Anything.
As it stands it is my goal and my priority to see that he graduates from High School. Somebody has too. It certainly hasn't been him. Graduation time for the class of 2013 has come and gone. He is still short on credits. Even with summer school he'll still be short.  I have made it my duty to be the sole bridge that gets him to that age where his brain has finished developing and he can distinguish that there are consequences to his actions. The only thing standing in my way is that magic day that takes place in two weeks. That date that has been looming over my head since he was 14 and started getting into trouble. The day he turns 18 and society considers him an adult. What's going to happen when he's 18? My husband wants to kick him out. There are times when I do too. The lies, the behavior, the disregard, the arrogance all begin to weigh on you. Even the one person that will love that child forever, no matter what he does or what he becomes has her breaking point. Believe me, when I say, I have reached and gone beyond breaking points that most mothers can't even fathom. A part of me is broken inside. That boy was the light of my life. He was my reason for breathing. Now, it seems that I breathe for the both of us. Every time he is out of my sight the breathing gets labored because I just don't know if he is going to make it home or he is going to be arrested again or found dead somewhere. It is a daily ordeal. In fact, both times he was in the Hall for a weekend sanction and the time before that when he was in for 12 days by husband and I both agreed that it was a relief because "at least we knew where he was."
 Somewhere along the lines a light turned off inside of him and a dullness set in. Logically, I know it was the drugs. Everything he does revolves around getting high. He was arrested for breaking into someone's home. He was there with three other "delinquents" to steal items for money. Money he could use to buy pot. Now, he can't even follow a simple program where he gets tested 1-2 times per week for THC (marijuana). He either doesn't show up for the testing (lies to me about going) or tests positive.
So when I ask him "what do you want?" I'm not really waiting for the words to come anymore.His silence speaks volumes. "To get high," he is thinking. "And to be left alone."

Battle for Inner Balance

It was very depressing driving home today. I couldn't help thinking that I should be attending a graduation today. My son's graduation. I'm stuck somewhere between total helplessness and my last sliver of hope. 

I try not to let myself go too deep in thought during these moments because I can get very lost. I have to stay positive and focus on each day as they come. I can't look back and I can't get to far ahead of myself either. A life in limbo, if you will.

 I have to concentrate on the healthiest things possible. Healthy thoughts and a healthy attitude. I don't always succeed. The bad things creep in and sometimes I don't treat myself the way I should. I feel like I'm one or two bad days away from completely losing it. I am battling constantly for balance. Battling my inner demons, battling my family and battling my responsibilities at work. Sometimes I come home and literally just melt down until it is time to go to sleep.  

Sometimes the only people I want to talk to are my dogs. *sigh*. 

I've been trying to avoid thinking about graduation and trying not to be envious of those with kids going off to college. It's to much to take when my day to day wins are keeping my kid out of jail.  He needs 15 credits to get his diploma. He'll get 10 at the Adult Ed summer program. Then I think he can finish in the fall. I don't even know if that is correct. Ugh. He won't be graduating from Foothill. He'll be graduating from Adult Ed. The requirements might be different. This, if course, is all contingent upon him not violating probation or getting any new charges. 

Thinking about it gives me a headache. And? If I see one more graduation themed commercial or television plot... I can't be responsible for my actions. 

Heart Outside

No matter how old they get my heart is out there walking around in those two bodies. Sometimes the ache is so bad that I lose my breath. Sometimes only the warmth of my tears can start the healing process until the next ache begins. I never, in a million years, imagined the roller coaster motherhood would be at this point in my life. There are days when I don't know if I'm going to make it through. I have to take a step back, I need to get my heart to accept what my brain is telling me; that I can't save them, I can only love them. Ah, but that heart of mine, does it ever listen? No, it runs out in traffic and plays chicken with everything on wheels.

Damn heart.

Tears

A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman,” she told him. “I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.” Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?” “All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?” God said, “When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him without faltering. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.” “You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides.”

Author: Unknown

And? Upon reading this I immediately felt my eyes well up with tears...

No Hockey, No Sharks, No Money

So, the NHL in all of its infinite wisdom has locked out its players for the second time in 8 years. We can all commiserate and sit around and complain how much we, as fans, miss the game, berate all those involved and try fill the void in our miserable hockey-less existence. But what about the rest of us? Not only is my family big fans, we also depend on the game for a big chunk or our income. My husband has been working at HP Pavilion as a bartender since 2006. The San Jose Sharks play 41 home games there a year. Adding up his wages and tips that is over $10,000 in income we are losing. And that is not even counting the playoffs. The deeper this team gets into the playoffs the bigger the tips are from happy club-level season ticket holders. From late September into late May we make enough supplemental income to carry us through the summer months (of no hockey) and are still able to keep up with our bills and a little something put aside for the family and household (last year we remodeled our kitchen).

I paid careful attention during the summer to talks and rumors of a lockout. Considering the NBA just went through this last season and the NHL just went through it 8 years ago (don't even get me started on the NFL replacement refs fiasco) I though it was highly unlikely that a strike/lockout /work stoppage would occur.  I was, obviously, wrong. We are now mid way through November which is normally the second full month of games. All games through the end of the month have thus far been cancelled. Tomorrow night, which should be a heated game versus our hated rival the Dallas Stars... is for not. On this night I should be making dinner for my family, enjoying a glass of wine and turning on the TV to watch Randy and Drew call the game on Comcast Bay Area.

Do you know what I'll be doing instead? I will be working at BevMo!. It will be my first shift. I have to help make ends meet, so I took a part-time job. I won't even go into how expensive it is to live here, you'll just have to take my word for it that two full time incomes is not enough for a family of four to get by on. Not with a mortgage and a couple of unfortunate financial choices from our past that we are dealing with.

On a positive note, this situation has made me rip the bandages off, so to speak, and really take a hard look at our finances and deal with where we are headed and what we can do to better our circumstances. I had a severe eye opener when I checked out the balance on our HELOC. We have been paying the minimum on this thing for the last 5 years and the balance has not gone down. At all. We have paid around $15,000 (in the last 60 months) to have our principal balance go down by a mere $250. I was so depressed when that sunk in. We have credit card balances, all with different rates, balances and credit limits. Needless to say I have been doing a lot of number crunching and consolidating in the last few weeks to try and make things work on the income that we have. We are trying to re-finance our first mortgage as well, but that might be in jeopardy unless we get a good number back from the appraiser. Fingers crossed.

So? Basically I've been juggling a lot of financial balls lately. I wish they were pucks, but I digress. Until the pucks start flying again I'll be at BevMo!, hawking alcohol to patrons for the holidays and to the community of sad/pissed-off hockey fans who will be drowning their sorrows this winter.

Monday Morning Irritation

Question: What was the last thing that irritated you?
Answer: 14 year-old Male


Synopsis: Boy hurts foot at skate park late Sunday evening. He calls the tricks he does (attempts to do) fun and challenging I call them dangerous and suicidal. I do not always enjoy being right... and this is why:

Monday morning (7:05 am) boy (who usually walks himself to school) limps theatrically into my room as I'm blow drying my hair and getting ready for work. "I can't walk."
"I'm sorry." I said genuinely empathetic.
"Go get ready for school. I will come back (instead of going strait to work) to get you after I take your brother (across town in morning commute traffic) and I'll drive you to school."

"But, I can't walk."

"But you are going to have to try, because you are not going to miss school."
Ten minutes later I head out the door. "I'm leaving, I'll be back as soon as I can."

45 minutes later (8:00am, school starts at 8:15) I come back to the house, open the front door and boy is sitting on the couch. In his pajamas. Eating Cheerios strait from the box.

My head nearly exploded. Why it is not socially acceptable to drink at 8:00 am when you are raising teenagers is beyond me.

"What are you doing? Why aren't you dressed?"

"I told you I can't walk."

I stared at him, eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. A temporary calmness came over me, one that has saved this boy's life many times in his short existence. I swallowed (almost choking) a deep breath, looked at the ceiling and willed some extra patience to find its way into my person.

"You managed to walk out here to the living room, you managed to walk to the kitchen and back for some cereal, you knew I was coming back here to pick you up... WHY, in all that is good and Holy, did you not get dressed?

"Why can't I just stay home today?"

"Because,"  I replied, realizing there would be no trying to reason. "You know what? Go get dressed right now. You are not missing school, I am already late for work, we are not having a discussion about this and you area already late. GO!"

"But."

"GO!"

"But."

"GO!!"

PMS Cafe

I walked in to this quaint cafe not quite knowing what to expect. I had never heard about it and there weren't any Yelp reviews to prepare myself for the experience. I didn't pay to much attention to the ambiance or decor so the best way I can describe it was "interpretive." I'm sure it would be different if I were to go at another time during the month.

The place seemed clean and there were other customers spread out amongst the various tables keeping to themselves. No one even noticed when I walked in. I picked a seat by a window and picked up a menu. I wasn't really in the mood to eat which made me wonder why I had come in in the first place. I quickly remembered, however, that I came in because I didn't want to be at home or at work and I didn't want to be anywhere else because everywhere else seemed irritating and annoying.

A glass of water appeared out of nowhere and I took a sip suspiciously wondering which perky waitress I would have to thank graciously even though I didn't feel a bit of gratitude but knowing logically that of course I should. I really wasn't up for anyone being nice to me or anticipating my needs. I put my elbows on the table, covered my eyes with the balls of my hands and rubbed them gently. I let out a deep breath and began to accept the state I was in.

I looked again at the menu and my eyes narrowed as they focused in on my options. Almost every single struggle, annoyance, irritation, disappointment, challenge and item on my to do list , no matter how big or small, was staring at me from the pages of the menu.

"Husband's clothes on the floor."
"Teenage angst"
"Three empty toilet paper rolls on the ground in the kids' bathroom."
"Toothpaste squeezed from the middle"
"No response from company I submitted a resume/job application"
"What to make for dinner"
"Funny noise the car makes when the engine starts."
"Stupid radio commercials that try to sound like actual conversations."
"News stories that aren't news"
"Idiot drivers with no common sense."

Someone came over to my table and gave me knowing nod. Not really a smile or a "hello" but a "this-is-my-job-and-it's-probably-the-best-greeting-I-am-capable-of-mustering-for-you-today-as-opposed-to-almost-any-other-day-when-I-don't-have-this-perpetual-cloud-hanging-over-my head. I recognized the sentiment and realizing I was feeling the same exact way, I nodded back with a weak smile. She seemed to appreciate the intuitiveness and effort on my part and asked if I was going to have anything from the menu.

"I'm assuming everything here comes with PMS?"

She nodded in response, visibly pleased that she wouldn't have to go into a big dissertation about how the place worked.

"I'll have an order of insolent teenage son and a side of abhorrent traffic, please." I didn't look up as I continued reading over the menu one more time and she didn't seem impatient as I took my time with my order.

"We're having a special on messes your boss created and you have to clean up. Today only."

I groaned inwardly. "Oh God... Ok. Does it come with any annoying co-workers stepping on my last nerve?

"Yes," she replied. "But those are regular price."

"Can I get a discount if there is endless drama to listen to or it is the same drama that this person has already droned on and on about but won't do anything logically to make it stop?"

She looked over her shoulder, then over the other shoulder and asked "Have you advised her on what she could do to fix the situation?"

"Yes."

She looked one more time around her to make sure she wouldn't be overheard, "On the house sweetie."

I looked up gratefully at the empathy I had just received. "I probably shouldn't do this but can I get some last available space in the parking garage bordered by two assholes that can't park within the lines? Oh, and if my phone could ring incessantly all day so I can't get any work done... That would be great."

"No problem. Did you want any of those phone calls to be from your kids' school or from your husband who is in a bad mood?"

"I'm gonna pass on those. But thanks for asking."

"Sure honey. You sit tight. I'll put that order in and you can be on your way. Thanks for stopping by."

I recommend this place to anyone with misplaced anger, out of control anxiety caused my temporary hormonal imbalance, or just anyone who could use a sounding board and some well deserved empathy. I will be back for sure.

Was this review helpful?

250 people found this review helpful.

Looking for a sign?

I saw this sign on Highway 9 in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Please "caption" this photo for me.

Slap - what actually happened

Well. It didn't go exactly as I had written it. I tried to slap him. I wanted to slap him really hard across the face and really shock him. I ended up barely grazing his cheek with my fingers. I think the shock value was enough. I got his attention anyway.
I said the first part, and most of the second part about how he can't walk all over me and expect me to take it... but lost my train of thought after that. I ended up telling him something like how my love for him is a burden to me these days instead of a joy. I told him no matter how cool he thinks he is and how many friends he has that what he is doing is wrong. At one point he started to walk away but I told him not to walk away from me. He was mad and very defensive in his posture. I hope the message was received.
I asked him later if he was going to offer any apology to me or to his dad and all he said was, "well I was." I told him I'd be ready to listen when he was ready to put an appropriate apology into words.

Ugh. This kid. He is truly breaking my heart. Just when I think I am all cried out and have reluctantly accepted the inevitable. He manages to step all over my heart again. Again. And? Again.
He turns 17 in 3 weeks. I only have a year left to convince him to get on a better path.

Slap heard 'round the world

"SLAP" - Right across the face.

That is for sneaking out of your room last night and not coming home all night.

How dare you sneak away from here, knowing everything that you know about this area where we live. Knowing that I am at home not being able to sleep worrying about you and wondering if I am going to get a phone call from the police saying that you have been injured, killed or have been arrested. Knowing that I have to get up  early for work in the morning. How dare you do that to someone that has nothing in their heart but love for you.

There is nothing you can do that will ever make me stop loving you. But that doesn't mean that you can walk all over me, use me, tell me your lies and expect me to roll over and take it. Do you feel any shame? Your behavior is shameful and you should feel small and embarrassed. How dare you do that to your mother.

My opinion of you is becoming lower and lower by the day. I hope some day you will think about that and take steps to make sure I have a higher opinion of you and the kind of person you are. Personally? I don't care to be around anyone whose mother has low opinion of them. To me that says a lot.

You didn't fall asleep at your friend's house. You were up on Facebook all night commenting on and "liking" statuses. You knew, we knew, you were gone. Your dad tried to call you. You can say anything you want to say, but I only care about your actions. Your words at this point are only noise. You need to grow up. You can start giving me an apology.

Beyond that you need to do some soul searching because what you are doing isn't right. 

Long stare. Dramatic exit.

/Done.

This is my plan. Wish me luck.

The Proactol Plus Experiment

 I have seen my weight fluctuate all of my adolescent and adult life. At my healthiest and most fit I was at around 140 pounds. This is a weight I am very comfortable with and is healthy for my 5 foot 6 inch frame. Throughout the years I would hold on desperately to maintain between 145 and 150 and still feel good about myself. When my weight would get to be over 155 one of two things would eventually happen. I would either get pissed off enough to cut out the bad habits that were putting on unhealthy weight or I would sink into a depression and give up all together. It was the latter choice that I found myself dealing with more and more often as I approached my mid-40's.
As I got older the bar of my acceptable weight began to rise.  Instead of 155 I would find myself at 160. I would get upset and get back to 152 only to give up again when I couldn't get below that mark. I gave in to triggers and was guilty of being a stress eater, eating to self medicate or eating for comfort. As good as those endorphins feel after a great workout, there are is always the voice in my head that convinces me it is equally good to open a bottle of wine, surround myself with yummy comfort food and block out the world..  Earlier this year (after nearly a year of neglect) my weight hit an all time high of 180. My size 14 pants were too tight and I was miserable. Even typing that number doesn't seem real.  Carrying that much weight made me feel so unhealthy and sad. The sadness was reflected in my everyday life and I began to give up hope. This has been my burden to bear and I know that it is up to me to find my way back.
Since the end of March this year I have gotten back on the wagon with my eating choices and fitness regime. I eased back into things by giving up one thing (bad habit) each week. The first thing I chose to give up was alcohol. The second week I gave up sweets. The third week I gave up starchy, fatty foods like potato chips and anything deep fried. I began exercising again at the YMCA and when the weather finally turned, I got back out on my bike.
I lost a couple of pounds each week and by the first of June I had lost 15 pounds. During this time I began researching fat burning supplements. I liked the idea of something in my system that would help in burning up the fat or increasing my metabolism. I didn't want an appetite suppressant because most of them contain caffeine. I gave up caffeine years ago and don't need it in my system anymore to increase energy or help me to be awake and alert. I have been able to sleep so much better at night since being off caffeine which makes the trade-off so worthwhile to me. In my research I found a website that rated different fat burning supplements and published their findings in a top ten format based on their research on actually using the products.
http://w8loss-tips.com/weight-loss-pills-reviewed.php
http://www.weightloss-hq.biz/diet-supplements/the-ultimate-top-10-fat-burners.html

I was originally curious about a product I had seen on TV called Quick Slim which claimed to be a fat burning supplement but I was quickly drawn to the number one product on their list which was Practol Plus. Proactol Plus claimed to burn and block fat in addition to reduce cravings and appetite. I wanted to try something that would help give my diet a boost, especially when I hit that first weight loss plateau. I read up some more on the product and decided to give it a try. Here are my results so far:

Week 1 - After being stuck on a weight-loss plateau for three strait weeks (stuck at 165) I was able to break through and have a loss of two pounds the first week using Proactol Plus. I really didn't do anything different in my routine, I even indulged a couple of times more than I had in the previous weeks. I started taking the pills on Thursday (5/31) and in the 7 full days on the supplements I have gone from 165 to 163 pounds. Highlights from the week include: A long bike ride on Saturday followed by eating out that evening and had two glasses of  wine and sushi for dinner. I exercised on Tuesday at the YMCA (elliptical and treadmill) and over indulged on Monday eating some chips, a few cookies and the bacon quiche I made for dinner. On Wednesday I did not workout and ate 4 cookies (which isn't bad but over-indulgent when trying to lose weight). Other than that it was the usual routine of oatmeal in the morning (except Saturday and Sunday when it was Grape Nuts), a fruit and dairy snack mid-morning (berries and non-fat milk), a frozen Lean Cuisine type frozen lunch followed by a lite version (smaller portion) of what ever was for dinner that night.