Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Summary of early morning soul searching...

Each morning I wake up and have to face my critical self who evaluates, well, everything. What I did or didn't do positively the day before, what I ate, whether or not I worked out, what major issues are going on in my life that I am eventually going to have to deal with. Every morning is the same. Maybe a different soundtrack now and then, but always at the same speed and always with the feeling that half of my brain is trying to play catch-up.

This morning was no different. I woke up with despair and guilt because once again I didn't workout, I over-ate and sat around all night, I was short with my husband (instead of telling him what is on my mind), I drank, didn't brush my teeth and didn't wash my face. I had to keep turning off the clock radio, because I didn't want to hear anything about the Sharks. Unresolved issues with Jacob. Unresolved issues with Alex. The thing I can't bear to ask my husband about. Just like that, in a flash, I woke up to how much I suck and how much my life sucks and how I am trapped in this endless whirlwind of problems and dread. Just negative. Everything so hopeless and dark.

Eventually the vitriol in my head slows down and my common sense is able to get a word in edge-wise. Is this the week before my period? Yes. Okay, so this won't last forever... check. This morning I pushed a little just to get something to change. I'm so tired of the negative tape playing over and over in my head. So, I asked myself. Why can't I put in a tape from someone who likes me and listen to that? Who likes me? Alex and Jacob like me (most of the time). Sergio likes me. Juan likes me. Brooke likes me. Victoria and Jennifer like me. Auntie Sue likes me. Julie Sue likes me. That's a start. If I could visualize an audio from one of those people playing in my head that could make a huge difference.

My thoughts drifted a little after that, but I did have one other revelation. The Sharks. Facing an elimination game tonight in Vancouver, down 3-1 in the series. The suffering. I compared myself to the Sharks, pointing out that, like them, I have all the right pieces in place to be a happy, successful individual. But something always holds me back. Something won't let me move forward to that next level. That part of me that just accepts the barrier as impenetrable and puts my head down in defeat. I need to find that intangible "thing" and re-shape it. Mold into something that can help me. Something that can keep my faith strong, make my will an entity to be reckoned with and my peace of mind an anomaly, the likes of which has never been seen before.

I know what I need to do. But know I cannot do it alone. This means reaching out. Another wall for me to climb. Trusting my fragility to others. Opening myself up. Giving. Did you know that the mighty Redwood trees have roots that are only 5 feet or so underground? How do they stand up? How do they not fall down and topple each other? It is because they connect their roots to other Redwood trees. None of them stand alone. Their roots form an underground network that help each other to stand tall. Amazing right?

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