Thursday, March 23, 2006

"Drama" turns 18 today! (poem)

Three years ago "Drama" (then 15 year-old (step) daughter) left home. It was a mutual thing. We couldn't have her living in our home anymore and she sure as hell didn't want to be there. The year leading up to her leaving was a living hell. I was in hell. I was trying to save her, but I didn't know what I was doing and she didn't want to be saved. On the day of her birthday she ran away (snuck out her bedroom window) after being told she could not go to a friend's quinciƱera. That was the proverbial "straw" and shortly after that my husband contacted her bio-mom and made arrangements for her to pick up Drama. She lasted about 6 months with her mom, caused lots of more drama before hooking up with an older guy (then 20) and moving in with him. Believe it or not, it was the best choice she ever made. This guy has not only stood by her through way more emotional, physical and circumstantial bullshit than I ever did, but he gave her a home, gave her love and eventually married her. They are still married (no kids) and she is a different person. She was in such a hurry to grow up and today she "officially" is. Today she turns 18. She has a long way to go, there is still a riff between her and her father and lots of emotional baggage that still comes to the surface, but there was a time I didn't think she would live to be 18. The following are two poems (there were many more) that I wrote during the time right after she left. Just a little retrospection in honor of Drama turning 18 today:

The Last Tear

You’ve seen me cry my last tear
Over you
From my lips no more words to hear
About you
No more days of angst, nights in fear
Of you
I’ll watch the storm clouds disappear
After you

No more cloaks and daggers
In those eyes
No more hands that feed you
To despise
No feelings, thoughts or behaviors
To improvise
No more drowning in the bottomless well
Of lies

The sigh of relief
Is the only pension
From years weathering the reef
With weighted tension

I’ll miss the child that grew
Into a friend
I’ll miss the laughter and the time
We’d spend

It just wasn’t enough
To compensate
For words expressed that day
In hate
That broke the ties and
Opened the gate
A flood to fierce
To regulate

For you I’ll pray
That you find your way
To have peace in your heart
And though we’re apart
I love you still
Know that I always did
Know that I always will

This next one was written to the song "Picture" by Kid Rock and ? that was popular at the time. It would just remind me of her out in the world struggling to find herself.


I called you last night on your new cell
Everyone knows but they won’t tell
Their eyes won’t look into mine and I know
Something just ain’t right

I've been waiting on you for a long time
Filling up pages with sad rhymes
I haven’t heard from you in thirty days
I put your picture away
I wonder where you've been
I can't look at you when the lies never end

I put your picture away
Your brothers ask me where you’ve been
I just don’t know what to tell them
I heard about you yesterday from your cousin
It was the same old pattern as back then
The sheriff got my number from an old friend
He was looking for you, where does it end?

I’ve been praying for brighter days
I hoped you were doing alright
I was headed to work
You were off to start your next fight
I thought about you for a long time
Can't seem to get you off my mind
I can't understand why you’re living life this way
I read a story in the paper today
About a girl your age
She was out late after an argument
They found her dead on the cement

I found your picture today
I wondered how you’ve been
I cried at the thought
Of someone finding you that way

I saw your picture today
I wish we could change our ways
I just called to say I love you
I wish you could come back home

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