Monday, March 20, 2006
The Straw (french fry) That Broke The Camel's Back
I experienced some PMS rage this morning, er, rather my son did. God I just hate myself sometimes. I couldn't get to sleep (again) last night. I had a glass of wine, I had a slight headache, which I had before the wine. J came home late (worked the Sharks game) and asked me to sit with him while he ate something. I gave him the run down of the day and A's soccer game (scrimmage). All this resulted in an anxiety churning headache and I couldn't sleep. I got up and read until my eyes felt heavy. Then, I snoozed the first alarm, couldn't fall back asleep, but didn't get up to run either. Yeah, love when that happens. So, I thought I'd be smart and pack my food for work, make coffee and get a little ahead for a change with the morning routine. I showered and planned in my head to be calm with the kids and to go over what I wanted to do routine-wise this week with their schedules and homework... All was fine until we were ready to walk out the door (5 minutes early thank you very much) and I noticed that AJ hadn't emptied his soccer back pack and put it away, AJ didn't have his agenda packed for school, JM didn't have his RAH contract packed or his backpack ready. So, I did what came natural. I raised my voice. Ugh. Then as we are trying to walk out, still relatively on time, AJ's back pack breaks. Can't zip the f&%$Ding thing up. Fine, I'm still relatively calm at this point, "go get your old one," I say, "it's in the garage, hurry up." I take JM out to the car, and that's when I lost it. There were french fries, a cereal bar wrapper and AJ's sandals in the backseat! ARGHHhhhh! How could he? What is wrong with him? I let him have it. How he is still a baby, doesn't take any responsibility or pride, just expects everyone to take care of him... yeah, great way to start the morning Mom, thanks. I think I'll take that into my classroom and just be brilliant today Mom. Can't tell you enough how much I appreciate these little pep talks. God I am seriously awful. And you know what's worse? I took two Pamprin this morning. The one that is for irritability. Just for this purpose, so I wouldn't go crazy on the kids. Can I sue the company? My little "irritated" tantrum this morning definitely contributed to the mental downfall of my children. They both felt it. The 10 year-old gets the brunt while the 7 year-old watches. They must be liable somehow. I tried to avoid it or cushion it by taking the damn pills right? Anyway. My morning sucked (so did my son's), it's fucking Monday (again), it's fucking raining (again), I get my fucking period tomorrow (again), I gained a fucking pound on this morning's weigh in (again), I mean what is the fucking point anyway. If i say "fucking" enough fucking times will I start to feel better? I just want to feel better. I want to be able to fucking cope with the mundane things of life like finding french fries in my car. I want to be able to find a fucking french fry in my car and take it in stride and deal with it calmly and collectively and not go crazy and not yell and scream and not belittle my son and not give him proof positive that his mother is raving lunatic-crazy-person. Is that to much to ask? Sigh. I was so close. Now I just suck and get to beat myself up over it all day instead of being productive. Nice. Way to fucking go genius. Want fries with that? Arrghh!!